The Best Time to Buy Anything

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In all recorded history there has not been one economist who had to worry about where the next meal would come from. – Peter Drucker

If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. – George Bernard Shaw

Economists think the poor need them to tell them that they are poor. – Peter Drucker

“Other things being equal” – you can identify an economist by the number of times a person uses this particular phrase. – Laurence J. Peter

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. – Marty Allen

I learned more about economics from one South Dakota dust storm than I did in all my years in college. – Hubert Humphrey

People don’t eat in the long run – they eat every day. – Harry L. Hopkins

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I love this idea. If our Senators and Representatives are going to do the cooking we want them to eat what they cook. Here is a way you can assist in feeding them.

Whatever your political affiliation, I think everyone would agree on
> this one! It takes 30 sec.
>
> HR 615 - Please forward to everyone you know
>
>
> Subject: HR 615
>
> On Tuesday, the Senate health committee voted 12-11 in favor of a
> two-page amendment, courtesy of Republican Tom Coburn which would
> require all Members of Congress and their staff members to enroll in
> any new government-run health plan.
>
> Congressman John Fleming has proposed an amendment that would
> require Congressmen and Senators to take the same health care plan
> that they are proposing on us. (Under proposed legislation they are
> exempt.)
>
> Congressman Fleming is encouraging people to go to his Website and
> sign his petition. The process is very simple. I have done just
> that at:
> http://fleming.house.gov/index.html .
> Fill out name address, etc...click "YES" and submit!! *
>
> Senator Coburn and Congressman Fleming are both physicians.
> Regardless of your political beliefs, it sure seems reasonable that
> Congress should have exactly the same medical coverage that they
> impose on the rest of us.
> Please urge as many people as you can to do the same!
>
> *When I first tried to log on to Congressman Fleming's site it was
> inundated, so waited until the next day and could go on and vote.
> If at first you don't succeed keep trying.
>
> Also, keep trying until your vote registers and
> Please pass this on to other tax paying citizens that pay the
> congress and senate salaries
>
>
> God Bless America
>
> Let's Roll.
Thanks to Durry Garbutt for passing this message to me. Please send this to everyone you know.

All the Best, Alan

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“For Example” is Not Proof

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The weaker the data available upon which to base one’s conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give the data authenticity. – Norman R. Augustine

Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind. – Marstorn Bates

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up. – Rex Stout

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

“For example” is not proof. – Yiddish proverb

An economist is a guy with a Phi Beta Kappa key on one end of his watch chain and no watch on the other. – Alben W. Barkley

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. – Richard Lamm

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You Cannot Feed the Hungry on Statistics

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There is no sadder sight in the world than to see a beautiful theory killed by a brutal fact. – Thomas H. Huxley

When you are drowning in numbers you need a system to separate the wheat from the chaff. – Anthony Adams

One of New York’s leading cultural institutions was about to undertake a costly study to find out which of its many exhibits was the most popular with visitors. Just before the consulting contract was signed, a committee member suddenly suggested asking the janitor where he had to mop the most. – Marilyn Machlowitz

You cannot feed the hungry on statistics. – David Lloyd George

Just try explaining the value of statistical summaries to the widow of the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of four feet. - anonymous

Reporting facts is the refuge of those who have no imagination. Luc de Clapiers

How far would Moses have gone if he had taken a poll in Egypt. – Harry S. Truman

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. – Joseph Stalin

Bargain: something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist

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If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. – Woody Allen

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. – anonymous

Bargain: something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin P. Jones

Gentlemen, you are as fine a group of men as ever foreclosed a mortgage on a widow. I’m glad to be among you shylocks. – Will Rogers

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain

You know the difference between a dead skunk and a dead banker on the road? There are skid marks by the skunk. – anonymous

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The Safest Way to Double Your Money

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Of all the mysteries of the stock exchange there is none so impenetrable as why thee should be a buyer for everyone who seeks to sell. – John Kenneth Galbraith

What’s good for the U.S. is good for the New York Stock Exchange. But what’s good for the New York Stock Exchange might not be good for the United States. – William McChesney Martin

If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling. – James Dines

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks not selling advice. – Norman R. Augustine

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket. – Frank McKinney

Anyone who lives within his means suffer from a lack of imagination. – Lionel Stander

The thrift industry is really in terrible shape. It has reached the point where if you buy a toaster, you get a free savings and loan. – Lloyd Bentsen

Pigs Always get Slaughtered

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Credit is a system whereby a person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. – Charles Dickens

I have discovered the philosopher’s stone that turns everything into gold: It is, “pay as you go.” – John Randolph

Nowadays, people can be divided into three classes – the Haves, the Have-nots, and the Have-Not-Paid-for-What-They-Haves. – Earl Wilson

If it isn’t the sheriff it’s the finance company. I’ve got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner. - John Barrymore

It is not the return on my investment that I’m concerned about; it is the return of my investment. – Will Rogers

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting. – Billy Rose

Bulls can make money.
Bears can make money.
Pigs always get slaughtered. – American Business Saying

Silly Rabbit, Tattoos are for Real Guys

Here is an excerpt from "Buskers on the Half Shell"

Doodles of the Devil or Graffiti of the Soul
1430 HOURS—OLD TOWN
There were only three tattoo parlors in the Palms. You would
think there would be more. After all, on an island four miles long
and two miles wide there have been over two hundred restaurant
licenses issued by the city.
We started at Southernmost Tattoos on Front Street. In the
Isle of Palms. Southernmost is a common name; there’s Southernmost
Café, Southernmost Insurance, Southernmost Pest Control,
Southernmost Shells, Southernmost Swimwear, Southernmost
Brewery, Southernmost Federal Credit Union, Southernmost Foot
and Ankle Specialist, Southernmost Reservations (which obviously
takes reservations for Southernmost Motel), Southernmost Hotel,
and the Southernmost Guest House. There’s Southernmost
Seventh Day Adventists Church, Southernmost Sign Service,
Southernmost BJs, Southernmost Texaco, Southernmost General
Contractor, Southernmost Hair and Nail Salon, Southernmost
Internet, Southernmost Jewelry, Southernmost Mortgage, Southernmost
Sailing and Southernmost Scrub Club for the times when
you just have to be dirty. One rainy night I even met the southBUSKERS
ON THE HALF SHELL 107
ernmost panhandler on a bench down by the waterfront.
Viki parked in a handicapped spot across from the tattoo parlor.
There are advantages to being a cop, even a suspended cop. A
red neon sign in the bottom of the window blinked, alternating
between “Tattoo” and “Painless Piercing.” In the upper right-hand
corner, under the words “High Colonic,” a blue neon flashed,
out-of-synch, “High Calypso.” John Denver flashed in my brain.
But I rejected the image.
We walked in and Sarge Too growled at a little brass bell tinkling
behind the door. The main room was set up like a doctor’s
reception area, with expensive teak chairs.
“Be right with you,” came from a back room with an African
print sheet across the doorway.
“Just one more liter.”
“I told you, you’ve had your limit.”
“I’ve only had five.”
We heard the sharp smack of a butt cheek being slapped. Hard.
“Five liters is more than I give anyone.”
“What I need is just another half.”
“What is it about ‘no’ you don’t understand? Now, I’ve got
another customer. I want you to lie still, keep that sphincter tight,
and let the aloe cleanse and soothe.”
A small-boned, platinum-blond young man with a great tan,
wearing fuchsia short-shorts and a black muscle tee, walked into
the reception area wiping his hands on an American-flag beach
towel.
“I’m sorry. We don’t do couples.”
Viki said, “We’re here about a police matter.”
“Then you’ll have to wait. I’ve got a regular on the business
end.”
I asked, “How long will you be?”
“Ten minutes. Then I’ve got a break before our afternoon rush
starts.”
108 Theophilous Thorne-Bush
Viki said, “You get a rush of people in the afternoon for
colonics?”
“During the day it’s mainly flavored colonics.”
I said, “Flavored?”
Blondie said, “I invented the flavored colonic.”
I said, “When you say high colonic you mean it.”
“How droll. You don’t know how many times I hear that in a
day. Couldn’t you at least try to be original?”
Viki had a sour look, “People can taste stuff you put up their
butts?”
“Certainly they can, when it’s Caribbean cinnamon with just
a touch of ginger, or a tart lemon zester with just a dash of DMSO,
or a double-ubble jalapeno. It’s why I call it, High Calypso.”
I said, “Ubble’s not a word.”
“It is if you invent it.”
“Then it’s a made-up word. Not a Funk and Wagnall’s Scrabble
kind of word.”
He didn’t answer.
I couldn’t resist, “The tide’s high. Shouldn’t you be getting
back?”
He looked at his watch, “It’s like I’ve had my head up my butt
all day.”
As the young man rushed back to his enema bag, Viki whispered,
“Better his than mine.”
The thought of any colonic, much less a flavored colonic, made
my sphincter whimper.
We waited while he pulled the plug on mister big colon. I
thought I recognized the voice of the customer but he slipped out
the back way. Apparently a high colonic is not the thing you want
to come right out and give a testimonial for while you’re still under
its spell. Besides, what would you say? “Great day for a big
gulp.”? “I enjoyed the amusing flavor of a double-caffeinated,
chocolate-mocha flush.”? “Thanks. Now I feel all good inside.”?
BUSKERS ON THE HALF SHELL 109
Damien introduced himself and offered us some iced tea. He
had Lipton or his own homemade cinnamon tea. We sat in the
reception area drinking our Lipton.
“Nice dog. This week we have a special on doggie-liver enemas.
Of course, not usually shepherds. I’d need help for you know
who.”
Viki looked at me, “I think we could handle him.”
Damien said, “He looks like the analytic type.”
Viki said, “Well, you got the ‘anal’ part.”
Damien continued, “I find that once they’re on the warm tasty
end, they calm right down.”
I interrupted, “You get much call for dog enemas?”
“Usually it’s Chinese pugs, chihuahuas and the occasional
sharpei. We have this one client who calls up and says, ‘Miss Bug,
his pug, has a plug.’ Isn’t that just cutesy pie?”
Viki didn’t answer and I had to work at keeping a straight
face.
Damien continued, “We get all sorts. We get the uptight highsphinctered
crowd afraid of colon cancer. We get the tourist whose
family is out shopping and he just wants to take a load off. We
even get Chief Padrone in on hot, humid afternoons when he
wants to cool down. Oh, and in the Palms, don’t forget date nights.”
I turned to Viki, “Personally I like to wash the car before a big
date.”
Viki said, “We’re not here about colonics. We need to ask
about a tattoo.”
“I do lots of tattoos. It’s a late night thing. I get ladies and the
more refined gentlemen. I’m into the small artistic tattoos—ladybugs,
lover’s names, stuff like that. They know my needle is sterile,
my place is always clean and no matter whose body part, I
don’t get too personal.”
I unfolded my picture of the repeating tattoo pattern from
the frozen arm, “Ever seen this tattoo?”
110 Theophilous Thorne-Bush
“You’re not much of an artist.”
“Do you recognize the tattoo?”
“It’s runic.”
“Runic?”
“A rune is a symbol, like an Old Norse letter. I’ve got a book
that shows the runes.”
Damien pulled down a cracked leather-bound book and turned
to an appendix of runic symbols.
Down the page from our symbol, was a rune that stood for
victory. If you crossed two victory runes, you clearly got a Swastika.
“So this tattoo has a meaning?”
“My mother says that tattoos are the graffiti of the soul. Sometimes
it’s even hidden from the tattoo wearer. Tattoos always have
reasons. Even sailor’s travelogues have meaning.”
Viki said, “What does this rune mean?”
“I’m not sure. Once upon a time I was a communications
major and I can tell you that symbols are the most powerful communication
tools.”
“Have you ever tattooed this rune?”
“I don’t get much call for runes. I’m not a rune kind of guy.
You might go see Rat.”
111
Chapter Twenty-One
Silly Rabbit, Tattoos are for Real Guys
1530 HOURS—RAT’S TATS
Rat’s building was formerly a three-chair barbershop. I thought,
as we entered, there might still be some original hair on the floor
just for authenticity. Rat kept the barber pole, the big mirror, and
two old chairs, but the third chair, the one in the middle, had
been replaced with a gray, form-fitting dental chair.
Apparently, most people at Rat’s stand and watch the process
or wait outside, sitting on the crude brick steps or astride their
Harleys. There were three custom-painted, chromed-out Harleys
parked in front and I was sure any of the three cost more than I
made last year.
Rat was tattooing a woman’s back. The lady, and I use the
term loosely, was naked, face down on the dental chair, with her
face turned away from the front door. Rat sat astride her legs,
steadying himself on her derriere, concentrating on the finishing
touches of an elaborate fire-breathing-dragon tattoo on her lower
back, with script below that read: “I’m Easy.”
Rat looked up as we entered and glanced at us in the old barbershop
mirror. Then he went back to his work.
112 Theophilous Thorne-Bush
Viki said, “Are you Rat?”
“Rat’s Tats. Who wants to know?”
I said, “We hear you do the hottest tattoos in the Palms.”
Rat stopped and took a long look in the mirror at Sergeant
Viki. “You must be looking for some kind of police tat. Maybe a
little permanent badge number over crossed 38’s? Or maybe a
bullet for every perp you’ve popped?”
Viki said, “We want something a little more exotic.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place. Take off your shirt.”
I started to unbutton my shirt.
Rat said, “I wasn’t talking to you, limp dick.”
Viki started to unbutton her shirt slowly, “We were thinking
about runes.”
The woman got up on her elbows and looked in the mirror so
she could watch Viki. From the side view, her breasts were so large
and tight she must have a plastic surgeon with a big shoehorn.
The breast I could see had been transformed into a giant red rose
by someone’s tattoo gun.
Rat said, “Runes? You want runes?”
Viki took off her shirt and stood there in her bra. The scarring
from Doctor Woo’s shotgun blast and her five hours of surgery
had improved but it wasn’t pretty. Scars don’t bother me.
“A specific rune.”
Rat said, “Honey, could you pop those babies.”
Viki undid the front of her brassiere.
Rat winked, “Nice norts.”
Silently, I agreed.
“Turn around.”
Viki turned her back to Rat.
“That’s quite a scar.”
“Line of duty.”
Rat said, “I got mine in Nam. I didn’t know there were Odinists
this far south.”
BUSKERS ON THE HALF SHELL 113
I opened my mouth and it just came out, “We’re thinking of
starting the Southernmost chapter.”
“You want to look at the runes in my book or you just want
rune of the day?”
I pulled my picture out and stepped forward, “I was thinking
of getting an annular tattoo.”
Rat swiveled his upper body to face us for the first time, and
took a long look at the tattoo. He turned back and focused on his
dragon. “You know, I do frat tats,” he raised his eyebrows and
looked back at Viki in the mirror, “great tit tats, lat tats, bat tats. I
can even do you a cat-in-the-hat tat. But, I won’t do that tat.”
“I thought you said you did runes?”
“Best in the southeast.”
“I’ll pay extra.”
“You got references?”
“References to get a tattoo?”
“You can’t just wear any tat. It’s like bikes. I think you’re probably
a Kawasaki kind of guy.”
Viki buttoned her shirt front, “You don’t think Doc could
handle a Harley?”
Rat stopped working. “Tats have meaning and that tat just
has more power than I think your little Doc can handle.”
“But you do this tat?”
“Honey, come back when you’re ready for a tat. Thursday is
lady’s day.”
I got more assertive, “What about my tat?”
Rat said, “I don’t think I could satisfy you. If you’ll excuse me,
this is one big ass I’m ridin’ and I’ve got a lot more work.”

It Gnaws at a Man’s Substance with Invisible Teeth

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With money in your pocket, you are wise, and you are handsome, and you sing well, too. – Yiddish proverb

From birth to 18, a girl needs good parents; from 18 to 35 she need good looks; from35 to 55 she needs a good personality; and from 55 on she needs cash. – Sophie Tucker

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen “Hey, you!” – Wilson Mizner

When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry. – Yiddish proverb

There’s no such thing as a free lunch. – Milton
Friedman

Interest works night and day, in fair weather and foul. It gnaws at a man’s substance with invisible teeth. – Henry Ward Beecher

Creditors are a superstitious sect, great observers of set days and times. – Benjamin Franklin

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-

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John Sedgwick – American Civil War general carelessly peering over a parapet – They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-

Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton – explorer – to his doctor – You are always wanting me to give up something. What do you want me to give up now?

Captain E.J. Smith – of the Titanic –
Let me go

Robert A. Taft – Well, Martha – Glad to see you looking so well.

Carl Alfalfa Switzer – of “Our Gang” films – Just before he was killed by a drunk –
I want that fifty bucks you owe me and I want it now.

Dylan Thomas – I’ve had eighteen straight whiskies; I think that’s the record.

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Darkly Comical Last Words

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Sir Walter Raleigh (to the executioner) – What dost thou fear? Srike, man!

Frederick Remington – (after being told by his physician that he needed an appendectomy) – Cut her loose, Doc!

Baron Manfred von Richtofen (to his mechanics) – Don’t you think I’ll be back?

James W. Rodgers – murderer executed by a firing squad when asked if he had a last request. – Why, yes – a bullet-proof vest

Nikolai Rubinstein – Oysters! Nothing will do me as much good as a dozen cold oysters and an ice afterwards.

Winfield Scott – American Civil War general – Peter, take good care of my horse.

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To Seek the Great Perhaps.

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David Graham Phillips – I could have won against two bullets but not six.

Edgar Allen Poe – Lord help my poor soul.

Marcel Proust (asked by his brother if he were hurting him) – Yes, Robert dear, you are.

Alexander Pushkin – Russian poet gazing at his books – Farewell, my friends.

Francois Rabelais – French writer – I go to seek the great Perhaps.

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The darkest hour of any man’s life is when he sits down to plan how to get money without earning it. – Horace Greeley

I do everything for a reason, most of the time the reason is for money. – Suzy Parker

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. – Oscar Wilde

If you want to know what a man is really like, take notice how he acts when he loses money. – New England proverb

If a man runs after money, he’s money-mad; if he keeps it, he’s a capitalist; if he spends it, he’s a playboy; if he doesn’t get it, he’s a ne’er-do-well; if he doesn’t try to get it, he lacks ambition. If he gets it without working for it, he’s a parasite; and if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people call him a fool who never got anything out of life. – Vic Oliver

Money is a stupid measure of achievement, but unfortunately it is the only universal measure we have. – Charles Steinmetz

It is easier to make money than to save it; one is exertion , the other, self-denial. – Thomas C. Haliburton

Money is a good servant, but a bad master. – Heney George Bohn

Mothers always tell you that honesty is the best policy; and money isn’t everything. They’re wrong about other things too. – anonymous

I’ve been in trouble all my life; I’ve done the most unutterable rubbish, all because of money. I didn’t need it – the lure of the zeroes was simply too great. – Richard Burton

Why am I Hemorrhaging?

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Gram Parsons – Rock musician – Told that his drug abuse would kill him
Death is a warm cloak and old friend. I regard death as something that comes up on a roulette wheel every once in a while.

Boris Pasternak – Russian novelist
Goodbye --- why am I hemorrhaging?

Anna Pavlova – prima ballerina
Get my swan costume ready.

Charles Willson Peale – American painter
Peale – “Sybilla, feel my pulse.”
Daughter – “I can’t feel any.”
Peale – “I thought not.”

Count Pestel – Russina revolutionary after the rope broke on the first attempt to hang him –
Stupid country, where they do not even know how to hang.

Sir John Philby – Arabic scholar
God, I’m bored.

Pablo Picasso – painter
Drink to me.

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Benjamin Franklin - An Old Wife, an Old Dog, and Ready Money

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I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four O’clock. – Henny Youngman

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. – Jackie Mason

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want to live like one. Bernard (Toots) Shor

A fool and his money are soon parted. What I want to know is how they got together in the first place. – Cyril Fletcher

I’d like to live like a poor man with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso

There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. – Benjamin Franklin

In the bad old days, there were three easy ways of losing money – racing being he quickest, women the pleasantest, and farming the most certain. – William Pitt Armstrong

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking about real money. – Everett M. Dirksen (U.S. Senator)

The next time you see a headline about the government spending a billion dollars on some project, think about it this way: If you spent $100,000 every day of the week, it would take you more than 27years to spend a billion dollars. – Louise E. Boone

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Copied From Slope of Hope Blog

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This morning we're whizzing down the Florida Turnpike and I'm using my break from driving to get caught up on my internet projects. It's amazing what technology can do. I read the following on The Slope of Hope and I believe this article should be spread far and wide.

This is by Tim Knight from his wonderful Slope of Hope website and it is reprinted without permission.

The Latest Transfer of Cash to the Rich - Tim Knight
In the Sunday New York Times, I read Gretchen Morgenson's article in the business section providing details of Obama's latest farcical "help" to the middle class. Prepare to have your stomach turned.

According to the article, Obama on November 6th signed the Homeownership and Business Assistance Act of 2009 (sounds nice, doesn't it?) It provides for:


Extending unemployment benefits yet again by 20 weeks;
Providing first-time home buyers a tax credit
So, in each of the above, we have taxpayers handing over dollars to either those not working, or those who are buying a hope and getting a free multi-thousand dollar gift that you and I never enjoyed. (I imagine most everyone here who owns a house actually paid for it and didn't get any special gimmicks and giveaways in doing so).

But much worse is the following: it provides for homebuilders to use losses in 2008 and 2009 to offset profits booked as far back as 2004, creating a $33 billion windfall for these organizations.

The Obama administration piously spoke of how this bill would help "struggling businesses". Here are some examples of these poor, beleaguered organizations:


Pulte Homes, which will receive refunds of $450 million, has $1.5 billion of cash in the bank
Hovnanian Enterprises is getting back $275 million and has $550,000,000 in the bank
Stanford Pacific will get a $80 million check to deposit into its account that already has $523,000,000
How did the companies pull this off? Lobbying, of course. And what a return on their investment!

How much did Pulte's $450,000,000 refund cost? $210,000 in lobbying. That's about $2,100 returned for every $1 invested in lobbying! The entire industry spent $8.2 million lobbying which yielded the $33 billion extraction of cash from the Treasury (that would be you and me) to the homebuilders. So the overall return is even better - over $4,000 in tax refunds for every $1 of lobbying expense.

So as you gaze at your paycheck, with about 50% of the money extracted by various government organizations, at least you know where it's going. It'll make you feel extra warm and fuzzy next April 15.

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Benito Mussolini – Italian dictator to the partisan who shot him
"But --- but --- Colonel ---"

Sir William Robert Nicoll – Theologian
"I believe everything that I have written about immortality."

Lawrence E.G. Oates – A member of Scott’s expedition to the South Pole (believing he was a burden to the group)
"I am just going outside and may be some time."

Torlogh O’Carolan – Irish Poet – on asking for his last whiskey
"It would be hard if such friends should part as least without kissing."

Wilfred Owen – English Poet – To one of his men during WWI
"Well done --- You are doing very well, my boy."

William Palmer – hanged for poinsoning a friend – As he stepped onto the gallows trap
"Are you sure it’s safe?"

Carl Panzram – Executed for murdering 23 people
"I wish the human race had one neck and I had my hands around it."

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Sorry We Couldn’t Wait - Pressing Business Elsewhere

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Nikolai Gogol – Russian novelist
"And I shall laugh a bitter laugh."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe – German Romantic poet
"More light! More Light!"

Oliver Goldsmith – English writer on being asked whether his mind was at ease
"No, it is not."

Joseph Green – a surgeon checking his own pulse -
"Congestion --- stopped."

Seaman Grontoft – Norwegian wireless operator
"We are sinking stern first. The boats are smashed. Can’t hold out longer. The skipper dictated that. He ought to know. Where did I put my hat? Sorry, we couldn’t wait for you. Pressing business elsewhere. Skaal."

Richard Halliburton – writer, explorer, adventurer
His last message from the Pacific
"Southerly gales, squalls, lee rail under water, wet bunks, hard tack, bully beef, wish you were here – instead of me."

Mozart (referring to a musical score on which he was working)
"Did I not tell you that I was writing this for myself?"

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Great News! - Our First Critic

Image by Raul P via Flickr

Great News - Our First Critic!
It's a great day in the neighborhood. After 300 plus postings we've finally gotten a rise out of someone. And no, the sincerest form of flattery is not to just hit the reject button and move on to the next site.

Our first blog critic, as you will read, has made a sincere complaint that I was suspicious would arise at some point. I'm sure a lot of the web flitters out there have the same valid complaint about our site. Unfortunately they flicked their mouse after 39.5 seconds and moved on (also a valid response). But now on with the show -

Dear Alan,
I saw an advertisement for your blog called, "Dark Comedy; Life through the lens of dark comedy".. I thought, cool, I appreciate dark comedy and could use a laugh. I am severly disappointed and I request the minute I spent on your blog back... which you can refund to me by replying to this message. Why do you even call it dark comedy? I see nothing dark OR comical on your blog at all. If you do, please, please, point it out to me.

Dear Blank
I appreciate your response to my blog. I appreciate your point of view. I'm sorry that you believe I've stolen your minute (in fact as it is taking me longer to reply than a minute, I'm sure it took you longer than a minute) Let me assure you that there was no intent to harm or defraud you. And I'll appreciate that by responding to your email you won't hunt me down and feed me through my own trash compactor (here you may substitute juicer, blender, word processer depending on which you believe would be the most appropriate)(which you've got to admit would be darkly comical).

Comedy as well as tragedy is in the eye of the beholder. I believe dark comedy is just tragedy plus time. In fact your reply from my pov is quite darkly comical. From the darkly-comical standpoint of "no good deed goes unpunished."

Not every dark comedy quote or posting on the blog is in compliance from your point of view. And I don't believe I could defend every article or quote but mention one quote or an article and I'll take the time to specifically respond - from my point of view. If you will look deeper into the blog you may find some that would be quite offensive to your POV.

I've run well over the minute, so as a final response I'll offer you further compensation. If you will agree to review my new book on Amazon - the darkly comical "Woo Burgers in Paradise" - I'll send you a signed copy - free - a $16.95 value for your time. You will find an excerpt and further information at www.alanhbush.com

All the Best, Alan

The Ruin of the Soul

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Francois Rabelais – 1494-1553

A French Renaissance writer, a Franciscan monk, and a doctor of medicine.

Coin is the sinews of war.

How shall I be able to rule over others, that have not full power and command of myself.

Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and science without conscience is but the ruin of the soul.

Subject to a kind of disease, which at that time they called lack of money.

He that has patience may compass anything.

Speak the truth and shame the Devil.

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Enough is as Good as a Feast

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

John Heywood – 1497-1580

An English writer of plays and Interludes.

Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Better to bow than break.

Ill weed groweth fast.

Nought venture nought have.

Children and fools cannot lie.

Who is worse shod than the shoemaker’s wife?

A friend is never known till a man have need.

Enough is as good as a feast.

Cover - Buskers on the Half Shell

I'm working on the final edit of the second book. I would recommend writing but rewriting is work.

Cunning Men Pass for Wise

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Francis Bacon – 1561-1626 - Part Two

English philosopher. The first credited with saying, "knowledge is power.” Bacon established the principles of the inductive method.

Alonso of Aragon was wond to say in commendation of age, that age apears to be best in four things – old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.

Prosperity is not without many fears and distates; and adversity is not without comforts and hopes.

Prosperity doth best discover vice, but adversity doth best discover virtue.

If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other islands, but a continent that joins to them.

Fortune is like the market, where many times, if you can stay a little, the price will fall.

Nothing doth more hurt in a state than that cunning men pass for wise.

It is the wisdom of the crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.

He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.

Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready mand, and writing an exact man.

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Francis Bacon – 1561-1626

English philosopher. The first credited with saying, "knowledge is power.” Bacon established the principles of the inductive method.

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.

The are ill discoverers that think there is no land when they can see nothing but sea.

The human understanding is like a false mirror, which, receiving rays irregularly, distorts and discolors the nature of things by mingling its own nature with it.
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.

Riches are a good handmaiden, but the worst mistress.

Hope is a good breakfast, but a bad supper.

Sir Amice Pawlet, when he saw too much haste made in any matter, was wont to say, “stay a while, that we may make an end the sooner.”

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Gator Crossing Mysteries - about to release for distribution:

Woo Burgers in Paradise
Buskers on the Half Shell - Oscar's Tale

Synopsis of the stories:
Woo Burgers in Pariadise is a character-driven comedy/mystery about finding love and serial killers in a small but complicated seaside community.

She’s a cop who will shoot you and he’s a veterinarian with a soft heart. She’s tough on crime and he can’t seem to follow the rules. She’s an insider and he’s an outsider. Her friends are normal and the few friends he has are just beyond the fringe or shed twice a year. She’s got a big family and he’s lonely.

Doc and Sergeant Viki are drawn together by a tumor nestled in the brain of her narcotic-sniffing German shepherd.

Oscar’s Tale, the second in the Gator-Crossing mystery series, continues Doc’s pursuit of Sergeant Viki. Oscar has been gator-napped and Sergeant Viki doesn’t want to pursue the case, but she’s forced to when it’s her only chance to retain her position as a detective in the Isle-of-Palms Police Department.


Woo Burgers in Paradise - short excerpt:
Viki’s Apartment—0630 Hours

I was awakened by a sound I never want to hear again as long as I live—the cocking of a pistol next to my left ear. I tried to turn but I felt the cold hard metal of the barrel poking into the meatus of my ear.

Viki cleared her throat, "I have some questions. You better give me truthful answers."

"Answers?"

"I’m missing something."

"Is this about what I said to Nana Pearl?"

"Leave my family out of this."

"Well, whatever it is, I haven’t got it. And I would appreciate your putting that cannon away.

"I’m missing five hours and I think you’ve got those five hours. And what did you say to my grandmother?"

I swallowed, "She asked what part of the anatomy I liked the best. And I thought she meant like, in anatomy class."

"What did you tell her?"

"The head. And then she said, ‘You mean BJ’s?’ Do you really need your gun for this?"

"I’ll be the judge of that." Viki uncocked her pistol.

I rolled over and Viki was dressed in black silk pajamas. And it’s true, she does look hot in silk. "You were tired. You fell asleep on Martha’s couch. Nothing happened. Martha didn’t take any compromising pictures."

"And how did you know the five hours I was looking for?"

"Don’t start blaming me because you and Sarge were drugged up and asleep on duty."

"Are you saying there were drugs in my brownies? Some kind of knockout drops."

"Just some grass or maybe hash oil."

"Sarge would have told me."

"Sarge had his share. When I woke up, he’d licked almost a full bowl of batter."

"Where was I?"

"On the couch, and Sarge was on the floor, out cold."

"And the last thing I remember, you were sitting at the table, right next to Martha."

"And you promised if I got you out of there, you would go to the movies."

"That’s bullshit."

I chose that moment to get up and go into the bathroom.

When I got out of Viki’s guest bathroom, you’d think I’d wiped my hands on the decorative towels or used one of Viki’s fancy molded fish soaps.

"So let me get this straight," Viki said. "I was out cold on the couch and Sarge was sleeping on the floor and you were sitting at the kitchen table with Martha?"

"Pretty much."

"Then how did Sarge clean out that entire bowl?"

"He got the bowl off the kitchen table."

"But neither you nor Martha did anything to stop him?"

"How’s Sarge?"

"I want to know what happened."

"I need a shower."

I turned to leave the room but then heard Viki cock her pistol again. It sounded like a round slammed home into the butt of a bazooka. I stopped in my tracks and said, "Viki, you have no right, absolutely no right, to scare me with that goddamn pistol."

"I don’t buy your version of the story."

"And you have a mental problem."

"I want the truth."

"You don’t have any call on me."

"I sure as hell do. You’re my partner."

"Jealousy is Cosmo’s number three sign that you’re attracted to me."

"This has nothing to do with jealousy."

"Well, if you’re such a hot-shot detective, you tell me where I was when I was supposed to be guarding this mixing bowl from Sarge?"

"You were with Martha. You were in her bedroom."

"Viki. Don’t go off half-cocked."

"That’s a bad choice of words."

"Viki. You told me. You don’t date partners. You told me in no uncertain terms. You’ve got no call on me. Now, I’m going to get a shower."

"Get your shower and go home. You’re off the case. I don’t need someone I can’t trust."



Special Offer:

For a short time we will be selling Woo Burgers in Paradise -

To receive a signed copy and get free shipping please send me an email at:

alanhbush@earthlink.net



Fred Belland - author of The True Sea

This book (Woo Burgers in Paradise) is what you get when you mix living on Big Pine Key for 29 years, six months of intense chemotherapy and 15 years of practicing veterinary medicine among the unique characters of the Florida Keys with no filter on your anesthetic machine.


Hal O'Boyle - author of Democracy: The Painted Whore, an extremist explains war, drugs, guns, God, gold, and Santa Claus (you've got to love this title)
A cheerful romp interrupted now and then by sulfurous whiffs, stuff the tide washed in. It was like a stroll in Mallory Square at Sunset in March, exotic, entertaining, bizarre. You've molded the Keys deeply wacky raw material into a charming cast of eccentric underachievers. It was a tasty mix of your past and the Keys present.

A Great Leap in the Dark

Image by ~jjjohn~ via Flickr

Thomas Hobbes 1588-1679

Hobbes promoted a materialist philosophy and believed in the morality of the soul. He viewed freedom as being able to do what one desires.

Words are wise men’s counters, they do but reckon with them, but they are the money of fools.

The privilege of absurdity; to which no living creature is subject but man only.

(In a state of nature) No arts; no letter; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

The praise of ancient authors proceeds not from the reverence of the dead, but from the competition and mutual envy of the living.

Such truth as opposeth no man’s profit nor pleasure is to all men welcome. Last Words: I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark.

A Little Foolery that Governs the World.

Image by Έλενα Λαγαρία via Flickr

John Selden – 1584-1654

An English jurist and scholar

Few men make themselves masters of the things they write or speak.

Marriage is a desperate thing.

Pleasure is nothing else but the intermission of pain.

Thou little thinkest what a little foolery governs the whole world.

They that govern most make the least noise.

Syllables govern the world.

Wise men say nothing in dangerous times.

Preachers say, Do as I say, not as I do.

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To Find Something Pleasing in the Misfortune of Friends -

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Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld 1613-1680

A cynical observer in the court of the French king, Louis XIV, and a forefather of the enlightenment.

Part Three

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fire.

We frequently forgive those who bore us, but cannot forgive those whom we bore.

We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire.

Few people know how to be old.

Nothing prevents our being natural so much as the desire to appear so.

Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.

In the misfortune of our best friends we often find something that is not displeasing.