Feces Throwing Monkeys and You

"Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay

From Associated Press January 14, 2009 4:57 PM EST

CLEARWATER, Fla. - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater. The monkey is not considered dangerous."

***About the Crap-Throwing Primate

This article landed in my computer yesterday. And yes the article alone would be dark comedy. I have performed surgery on adult male Rhesus monkeys. Chances are if you leave him alone he’ll leave you alone. But if you came across this rowdy rascal realize he is incredibly strong, highly intelligent and has canine teeth that are about two and a half inches long. Unless he’s a specific pathogen free monkey from a laboratory he could be carrying an illness or two that would be serious at the very least.

Four Thing Not to do if you find yourself in proximity to a crap throwing monkey with two and one-half inch canines:

1. Do not surprise a monkey. I speak from experience.
2. Don't let a monkey get in your house as they are not good house guests.
3. Don't ever try to feed a male Rhesus monkey from between your teeth.
4. Don't even show a male Rhesus monkey a toothy grin.

If you encounter this monkey consider yourself lucky if you’re just pelted with crap. Don’t try to capture this monkey. Don’t run from him. Pelt him with crap as once you confront him there should be plenty in the back of your pants. Remember above all: Never, Never trust a monkey.