Judge a Man by What He Laughs At

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Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat in a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman who troubles are worse than your own. – Nelson Algren

I shut my eyes in order to see. – Paul Gauguin

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at. – Wilson Mizner

In life, as in a football game, the principle to follow is: Hit the line hard. – Theodore Roosevelt

Eat with the rich, but go to the play with the poor, who are capable of joy. – Logan Pearsall Smilt

A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world. – John Le Carre

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. – Mark Twain

Dog’s Ideal of What God Should Be

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If God lived on earth, people would break His windows. – Yiddish proverb

A Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy, and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy till they die. – Philip Roth

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. – Oliver Goldsmith

Look at those cows and remember the greatest scientist in the world have never discovered how to make grass into milk. – Michael Pupin

God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. – James Matthew Barrie

God will not look you over for medical degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. – Elbert Hubbard

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. – Mark Twain

God is always on the side of the big battalions. – Henri de La Tour

Man is a dog’s ideal of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson

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But a Good Cigar is a Smoke

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If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. – Rodney Dangerfield

Behind every great man is a woman with nothing to wear. – L. Grant Glickman

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – Christopher Morley

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. – Rudyard Kipling

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. – Dolly Parton

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to other women’s. – Diane de Poitiers

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. – Jules-Amedee Barbey

The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: what does a woman want? – Sigmund Freud

The Mirror over my bed Reads, “Objects Appear Larger than they are"

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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine a marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. – Joseph Conrad

Men get their pictures on money, but women get their hands on it. – Ruth Sherrill

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since. – Arturo Toscanini

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. – Chauncey Depew

The mirror over my bed reads, “Objects appear larger than they are.” – Gerry Shandling

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Raise More Hell and Fewer Dahlias

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You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you. – Dale Carnegie

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, “Are you sure you’re not a cop?” – Larry Brown

In love, there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek. – French proverb

My advice to the women’s clubs of America is raise more hell and fewer dahlias. – Willam Allen White

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem

A man can sleep around, no questions asked; but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. – Joan Rivers

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. – Aristotle Onassis