Fighting Against Evil Oppressors

We went to the movies this afternoon and smuggled in our own candy. Even in the face of signs that said we could not bring outside food into the theater. Audacity. Audacity. Ever audacity!

What’s the deal? Have we lost the freedom to carry our own candy bar when we pay a fee to enter a movie theater? Is there some new law that says if you bring your own candy you’re a dangerous movie terrorist?

And what if they catch you smuggling in your own chocolate or an illicit Charleston Chew? What’s the worse that will happen? Castigate you in front of the other movie patrons? Give you a harsh warning? Tell your mother? Throw you out?

You can close your mouth, I never said castrate.

Or is there some secret offshore movie theater penitentiary where they hold you wrapped in thick unbreakable chains made of stale popcorn on sewing thread where you don’t ever get to see even a rerun.

I am a candy smuggler. I’m proud of it. I’m admitting it right here in print. Right in a public published media (and the three of you who read this better not squeal).

I smuggle candy in and when the lights go way down, I quietly rip open the wrapper and my candy tastes better because it’s contraband.

And if I spot the movie deputy I shove the whole bar in my mouth for fear I’ll be spotted and hauled to the pokie. At the end of the movie I dump my wrapper in their garbage can just to show them what I’ve done, and that I’m not a litter bug.

And why do I feel justified breaking their rule?

Because when I’ve paid for my movie and the lights go down do I see my movie in peace? No. They show you not only previews (which I enjoy because they get me in the mood for the movie) but also a whole reel of commercials for everything from new television shows to commercials for the National Guard. I have nothing against the National Guard but the theater isn’t donating their time, these are paid advertisements we’re forced to watch.

Where does it end?

What’s next? Heaven forbid they start putting products on the screen during the movie. It makes me shudder to think or perhaps it’s just high blood sugar.