It's True Santa, Cats Suck the Breath of Babies by Theophilous Thorne-Bush

I hate to break it to you at the holidays. There’s nothing a cat likes better than the breath of a newborn. That exquisite aroma of sour milk. That tiny little creature with your whiskers plastered over its mouth and nose. Nothing like feeling your paws pressing on its scrawny chest. As I’ve always said, there’s nothing better at the holidays than a warm baby.

I could go on about breath variation and an infant’s age and diet but I’d either be preaching to the pride or giving you the heebie jeebies.

There’s no middle ground when it comes to breathe sucking.

It’s shocking. I’ve tried to quit. I’ve been through a cat’s nine-step program. But then I recognized that if a cat has the good fortune to be trained early to only inhale the breath of babies to the point of unconsciousness, it’s not such a bad thing. Unconsciousness looks a lot like sleep to me.

Most families don’t even know it’s happening. If all goes according to plan. It’s only when a cat has a lung ratio of twice the baby’s breath capacity that mishaps occur. It’s unfortunate. But there’s no use crying over spilled milk, is there?

And my owner started me early. In the photo on the right you see a little boy whose breath I’ve just sucked. If you look closely you’ll see my calling card – a 1/8 scale stuffed cat made in my image. It’s left in the spirit of good will with the idea that there should be fair exchange in all things.

Hanging around and asking if it was good for the other party is inadequate and smacks of the egocentric activities of a self-centered mammal.

In the photo on the left I’m working on this article and pondering the idea that I could start a program, the International Breath Sucking Cats Association (IBSCA) or Ibsca (also known as the “I be a sucking cat assoc").

My role would be teaching kittens safe sucking technique, the most effective methods for breath sucking and how not to get hooked on breath or get caught in the act by a less sophisticated mother or grand mother. There’s nothing sadder at the holiday than a young cat locked away for infanticide.

I guess you now know why at the crèche of baby Jesus they don’t have a cat in attendance. And I’ve got to admit that personally I don’t believe any of the wild cat tales of the Little Cat of Bethlehem. But who knows, when it comes to breath sucking a cat’s got to do what a cat’s got to do.

If you would like to nominate your family’s cat for membership in IBSCA just leave a comment or send us a picture of your pet caught in the act. And no making up stuff. I hate it when I have to go to the Claw. And I will if you try to fake a comment.

So in the coming year here’s to that hoodoo that I do so well.