Darkly Comical Last Words

Anna Pavlova – pima ballerina
"Get my swan costume."

Joel Chandler Harris – Creator of the Uncle Remus stories – On being asked if he was feeling better –
"I am about the extent of a tenth of a gnat’s eyebrow better."

Boris Pasternak – Russian novelist
– "Goodbye .. why am I hemorrhaging?"

Doc Holliday – Gambler and gunfighter to the person trying to remove his boots –"Dammit! Put them back on. This is funny."

Chris Hubbock (died 19970) Newscaster on shooting herself on a prime time news program –
"And now, in keeping with Channel 40’s policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you’re about to see another first—an attempted suicide."

Henry VIII –
"Monks! Monks! Monks!"

"The only place I feel alive is the high wire."
Karl wallenda, high wire performer

Abdur Rahman Khan (Emir of Afghanistan – died 1901)
– "My spirit will remain in Afghanistan, though my soul shall go to God. My last words to you, my son and successor, are, never trust the Russians."

Voltaire on being asked if he believed in the divinity of Christ –
"In the name of God, let me die in peace!"

Frederic Remington – American Painter to his doctor when he informed him he would have to undergo an appendectomy
"Cut her loose, Doc!"

Karl Marx – Father of Communism
"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough."

Terry Kath – Rock musician playing Russian roulette with a loaded revolver –
"Don’t worry, it’s not loaded."

William Palmer – (Hanged for poisoning a friend) As he stepped onto the gallows trap –
"Are you sure it’s safe?"

Thomas B. Moran – American pickpocket –
"I’ve never forgiven that smartalecky reporter who named me ‘butterfingers’ – to me it’s not funny."

Baba Meher – guru – His last words were spoken in 1925; he lived in silence for the next 44 years.
"Don’t worry, be happy."

Leonardo da Vinci –
"I have offended God and mankind because my work didn’t reach the quality it should have."

The Best Tuna Steaks

The Best Tuna Steaks in the Florida Keys

Cut your fresh tuna into steaks—one and a half inches thick. These are best the evening you catch the black fin tuna. Tuna steaks can be purchased frozen in individual packs if fresh is not an option.

Marinate 10 minutes in a baggy with oil and vinegar dressing and a generous teaspoon of Crystal Hot Sauce.

Grill at 500 degrees.

Do not overcook. Cooking on our grill takes 2-2 1/2 minutes per side.

Repeat – Do not overcook!

Grate enough grated Parmesan cheese to cover the steaks.

Sprinkle on the Parmesan before you remove from the grill and let it melt.

These are especially nice with some yellow rice and a cool salad of cucumber, tomato and fresh basil.

Enjoy!

Darkly Comical Quotes

The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. - Sigmund Freud

God gives almonds to those who have no teeth.
Spanish Proverb

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. – James Thurber

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
– Fred Allen

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future. – Sidney Harris

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. – Lenny Bruce

Darkly Comical Quotes – Oscar Levant

Oscar Levant 12/27/1906 – 8/14/1972

A high school dropout and one of the most intriguing entertainment mysteries. He was a brilliant musician, successful pianist, composer, author, comedian and actor perhaps best known today for his acerbic witticisms.

His spontaneous remarks were often rude and he seemed to have a compulsion to be funny at his own expense.

He was not only a concert pianist but composed music for more than 20 movies and wrote than 50 songs (including the standard “Blame It on My Youth” and an instrumental – “A Polka for Oscar Homolka”)

Darkly Comical Quotes

Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.

It’s not what you are but what you don’t become that hurts.

I’m a controversial figure. My friends either dislike me or hate me.

My psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

I used to call Audrey Hepburn a walking X-ray.

It’s not a pretty face, I grant you but underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. (An American in Paris)

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

I knew her before she was a virgin. – Oscar Levant

I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

Darkly Comical Quotes - Economics

Economics: The science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services, or the material welfare of mankind.

Economics is not a science.

If you spend one moment watching the business news, or the news, you are doing yourself and the world around you a disservice. All the news services pay their bills and make a substantial profit by taking whatever stirs you up and showing it to you. There's no better way to do that than to create a mania. They did it with the economy when the market was up. They hyped the up-market because it excited you. Was the market really as good as they said it was?

Now they're hyping the down market. Is this market as bad as they're telling you? They will continue to hype this market until:
1. A better story comes along (The economy story replaced the Iraq war story)
2. They look stupid hyping the down market because the market is going up

It's all hype, all the time.

Don't blame the news media; it’s their job. If their ratings go down they could, heaven forbid, lose their jobs. And that would be a real tragedy.

You will do more about your anxieties by addressing one problem today then worrying about six.

If you’re addicted to the news, wean yourself off by watching one minute less per day until you’re not watching any news. If their ratings go down they will be forced to look for new stories, more entertaining stories. And you will feel better and you will do more for the folks around you who need you to focus on the real world, your world.

Darkly Comical Quotes on Economics

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today - Laurence J. Peter

To most of us, the leading economic indicator is our bank account. - Joe Moore

Economists think the poor need them to tell them that they are poor. - Peter Drucker

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who had to worry about where the next meal would come from. - Peter Drucker

People don’t eat in the long run—they eat every day. Harry L. Hopkins

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose your own. – Harry Truman

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. – Alfred A Knopf


If all the economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw

Dark Comedy Quotes on Dogs

He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty. – Sam Houston

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
– Mark Twain

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
– Aldous Huxley

Man is a dog’s ideal of what God should be.
– Holbrook Jackson

Darkly Comical Quotes of Mark Twain

Mark Twain (11/30/1835 - 4/21/1910)

Samuel Clemens was born in Florida, Missouri.

He took the name Mark Twain, meaning 2 fathoms (twelve feet), as it was a term in the language of Steamboat pilots meaning it was safe to navigate as there was plenty of water beneath your hull.

Mark Twain had four children but no direct descendents.

“All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn. All American writing comes from that. There was nothing before. There has been nothing so good since.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Dark Comedy Quotes from Mark Twain

In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. - Mark Twain

I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved it. – Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. – Mark Twain

All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. – Mark Twain

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. – Mark Twain

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55. – Mark Twain

An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency. – Mark Twain

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can. – Mark Twain

I learned long ago never to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace and inexperienced people to say. – Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. – Mark Twain

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. – Mark Twain

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. – Mark Twain

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. – Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

Darkly Comical Quotes on Optimism

There are times when Barack Obama needs to be pessimistic. There are times when Barack Obama must tell us the truth. And now is one of those times.

I can understand our president wanting to paint the picture of our economy as darkly as possible for two reasons:

1. To get the agenda he believes we need to be passed by the House of Representatives and our Senate.

2. To be re-elected in four years if our economy is still not humming on all cylinders.

Many of us alive today have talked with someone who lived through the great depression. Their stories and the behaviors the depression created were enough to convince us it was a time to fear.

If you listen to the media you will see this black despair coming. Coming inevitably like a sandstorm just on the horizon.

But stop and think for one moment about the following fact:
In the great depression our GDP dropped by a full 50%. Our GDP has dropped by approximately 3%.

If there are storm clouds it does not always portend the end of the world.

The truth is when everyone else is thinking of surviving, it is the perfect time to think of thriving.

Every crisis is a dangerous opportunity.

We, as Americans, need hope most when we deserve it the least. Now is that time.

Barack Obama is betting his presidency on the plan, he should have the right to paint a picture that looks bleak, but he must now focus on the positive and uplift the American Psyche.

How will he do that? By finding positive stories he can tell that will make us understand that we are Americans. We have grit. We can do this. We can work to pull the entire world out of a dangerous crisis.

And this can prove to be an opportunity for the world to think better of America and prove we can be a powerful force for good.

With that theme in mind, here are some darkly comical quotes on optimism:

The happy ending is our national belief.
– Mary McCarthy

Optimism doesn’t wait on facts. It deals with prospects. - Norman Cousins

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser—in case you thought optimism was dead. - Robert Brault

I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.
- Antonio Gramsci

The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Twixt the optimist and pessimist
The difference is droll:
The optimist sees the doughnut
But the pessimist sees the hole - - McLandburgh Wilson

Dark Comedy Quotes for Americans

An asylum for the sane would be empty in America
- George Bernard Shaw

Americans are the only people in the world known to me whose status anxiety prompts them to advertise their college and university affiliations in the rear window of their automobiles. – Paul Fussell

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing. – Gamal Abdel Nasser

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. – Eric Hoffer

Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity. – Eric Hoffer

Americans are broad-minded people. They’ll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn’t drive there’s something wrong with him. – Art Buchwald

Stress Relief

I received the following from a friend in St. Augustine, Fl – Durry Garbutt

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in one of the latest psychiatric journals. The funny thing is that it really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.

Lobbying and Our Financial Crisis

Bribe: noun. Anything given or serving to persuade or induce. Verb. To influence or corrupt by a bribe.

Lobby: n. A group of persons who work to conduct a campaign to influence members of a legislative body. V. To solicit or try to influence members of a legislature.

Lobbyist: A person who tries to influence legislation on behalf of a special interest.

If money is given to a political candidate or an office-holding politician before, during or after being contacted by a lobbyist for that organization, then the candidate or elected official has been bribed for services rendered or some service implied to be rendered in the future.

If an individual or organization gives money to both political parties or candidates running for the same office then they are, by caveat, guilty of bribery.

Since 2006 more than one million homes have fallen into foreclosure. Over the nest four years six million additional homes are expected to be foreclosed.

One reason that foreclosures have exploded is that banks and their advocates (to be read as lobbyists, bribers or political corrupters) have delayed, watered-down or obstructed attempts to resolve the problem.

Banks would have been better off if they had confronted this issue a year ago rather than put their heads in the sand and hope the housing market would improve.

Judges have been given new powers (known as “cramdown authority”) to modify loans and the terms of loans to keep mortgage holders in their homes. Any of these new powers that have been given to judges to modify bankruptcy proceedings are being assaulted in the privacy of our politicians chambers.

Banks may claim to be working with people to successfully modify their loans but 47% of these arrangements have resulted in higher payments than before. A full 53% of these homeowners were again delinquet on their mortgages after six months. Modifications had been made in such ways that lenders and loan servicers are tacking on missed payments, taxes, and big fees.

Banks argue that giving bankruptcy courts increased power rewards irresponsible borrowers. But who pushed these loans? Banks and the mortgage industry. Who received the huge tarp payments?

Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Conn), the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, warned bankers on 4/18/2007 (22 months ago at the Homeownership Preservation Summit) that they needed to confront this “bankruptcy fiasco” they had created. The chief legal officer of Countrywide Financial at the time vowed to “keep making these loans (loans with teaser rates requiring minimal evidence of borrower’s income) until the last second they are legal.” He should have added ‘or we go under and have to be rescued by Bank of America’ who has also required serious tarp rescue money to rescue it in turn. Note that tarp money is tax-payers dollars going to shore up irresponsible corporations for irresponsible actions that have jeopardized our economy. Their ongoing negligence in resolving the issues will continue to cause distress in our economy until the cause of the problem is confronted.

One bad loan is a tragedy, seven million is a disaster of Biblical proportions.

The Hope Now Alliance, a government-endorsed private sector organization, has 500 counselors but 45% of the borrowers who go to them still wind up in foreclosure. Hope Now was established to prevent defaults but it is merely a public relations gesture. Of course, it does seem to provide jobs for 500 counselors.

The Hope for Homeowners government anti-foreclosure program has resulted in only 25 refinanced loans. Senator Richard Selby (R-Al) the ranking Republican on the Senate Banking Committee and other Republicans insisted on pro-industry aspects and the final bill was neutralized by including stiff up-front fees and a requirement that homeowners pay the government 50% of any future home value appreciation. To the satisfaction of bankers and banking lobbyists, the fine print in the program has limited its appeal.

Is it any wonder there is more and more public hostility and outrage directed toward banks?

Senator Richard Selby (R-Al) accepted $565,000 in contributions from the financial services industry (2007-2008).

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) accepted $948,000 over the same period from the financial-services industry.

Is it any wonder there is more and more public hostility and outrage directed toward our politicians?

If banks had understood and worked in advance to minimize foreclosures many of the complications our economy has faced would not have occurred or been ameliorated.

Foreclosure is bad for home owners. Foreclosure is bad for communities. Foreclosure is bad for our economy. Stop foreclosures now.

The solution is for the U.S. government to bypass the banking system. Do not give banks another penny of tax-payer dollars. Allow any U.S. citizen holding a mortgage within the United States to present it, sign a non-assumable 15 or 30 year note for their outstanding balance with a 3% interest rate.

A huge number of these outstanding balances will exceed the current value of the home. The homeowner is responsible for the balance due at an interest rate that will allow them to stay in their homes. It will take a responsible homeowner to stay and pay off a balance that exceeds the home’s value. In time, the value of homes will stabilize.

Dark Comedy Quotes on Religion

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. – Laurence J. Peter

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. Thomas Szasz

Since the whole affair had become one of religion, the vanquished were of course exterminated. - Voltaire

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. – H.L. Mencken

Why I Hate the Honorable Jamie Lee Curtis

Jamie Lee Curtis, a.k.a. The Scream Queen, a.k.a. Baroness Haden Guest of Saling in the county of Essex, a.k.a. The Body, a.k.a. Mrs. Christopher Guest, a.k.a. Lady Haden Guest, a.k.a. Jamie Lee Schwartz, a.k.a. Jaimie Lee Guest, and she’s Jake Gyllenhaal’s godmother.

Born in 1958 to Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis (formerly Bernie Schwartz).

She got her big break in 1978 in one of the first screamers. When you’ve got her lineage and Lew Wasserman as a godfather that’s not much of a break but still more than most of us can get in Hollywood.

And no, I don’t really hate her. My daughter met her on the set of True Lies. Erin won an AIDs jingle contest –“Why take a chance, Zip up your pants”. Jamie Lee Curtis was kind to my daughter, so I can’t say anything too mean.

I do admire that she has been married to Christopher Guest since 1984. She’s been in two of my favorite movies – Trading Places and A Fish Called Wanda and she has not written an autobiography. When a movie star writes their autobiography, like your favorite bands greatest hits album, it may as well be the godfather’s kiss.

What do I hate about Jamie Lee Curtis?

She’s a one-person conglomerate.

*Actress in movies and on television
*Director
*Author of critically acclaimed children’s books including Where Do Balloons Go – An Uplifting Mystery – books in English and Spanish
*Cover Girl
*Playboy pictorial 1985
*Star of advertising from a print ad for L’Eggs to adverts for Activia Yogurt, Washington Apples, Airtouch Cellular, Equal, Hitachi, Voice Stream Wireless, and online adverts.
*Louisa May Alcott’s partner as a reader for Little women.
*A Baroness through marriage to Christopher Guest

All this with only a one-semester education from University of the Pacific.

I’ve peaked at a couple of her children’s books and frankly without the incredibly amusing and charming illustrations of Laura Cornell they wouldn’t be much.

My complaint - why can’t people have their turn in the limelight and then exit stage left?

I suppose it’s just sour grapes but does one semester at the University of the Pacific entitle one to a lifetime of attention?

Here are some of Jamie lee’s finest stolen off the Internt.

"I believe people are entitled to a private life. I'm not sure where it's written that because you're in the public eye you are required to expose your private business, with anybody. It is nobody's business, and it's interesting because obviously in today's marketplace people don't abide by that. There are no boundaries that people won't cross...We're in a bit of a "Wild West" thing with media, and, I think, it's just kind of like no holds barred - the Internet. You know, there are no criteria on the Internet...I've chosen a public life to express myself, not to tell what I do with my husband in bed, not to do, to talk about my parents and my family life. And I just think it's wrong, and obviously it's an insatiable appetite that people have for gossip and innuendo and things that are nobody's business. And there's a term that they use in this called "legitimate public concern." What is legitimate public concern? If an elected official has an illness, that's legitimate public concern because they're our president or elected official. We, we, we need to know that they're healthy because we want them to live a long life and protect, you know, the Constitution...but in the marketplace, in the world, I don't believe it's anybody's concern. And that's what I think." --comments made on The View, Sept. 19, 2000.

"I thought, while they're up and firm [her breasts], why not shoot them once or twice." - on screen nudity

When I did Sesame Street, Elmo was not the worldwide phenomenon he is now. I understood Elmo was special, and I said that the only way I would do Sesame Street was with Elmo. Kevin Clash, the young man who did the voice for him, was a very sweet guy and I predicted Elmo's meteoric rise to fame way in advance. I am a trendsetter without knowing it. Two years later the Elmo craze began, but I was ahead of the curve.

When asked if she regretted making any films - "Easy. There's a piece of shit called _Virus (1999/I)_ which I made because another movie that I was supposed to do fell through. It was a bad choice and the movie is a piece of shit. The runner up is a movie called Grandview, U.S.A., which is this benign but still bad coming of age movie, which is just bad. I will never, ever see those films again. They are laughable, ludicrous movies and I'm bad in them. They're nasty."

(Many of Jamie Lee’s movies fit in the laughable, ludicrous and bad categories)

"Believe me, none of it works" - on cosmetic surgery

In some circles, my Caesar salad is more famous than my body.

My life is so filled that for me to accept acting work now means that I have to basically let somebody else do the job that I want to do, which is raise my children. It's not that I'm retired, it's just that I no longer accept acting work.
"The more I like me, the less I want to pretend to be other people." Family Circle, 4-18-06

About Madonna: Holiday came on the radio the other day and I remember where I was the first time I heard it: in West L.A. on my way to aerobics class. (In Style magazine, Sept/2006).
I'm not an actor anymore. I really don't imagine I'll do that again. I'm just focused on my family and just can't imagine anything that's going to pull me away from them right now.

I believe these stolen quotations tell the story better than I can. Jamie Lee, you’re overexposed. Exit stage left.

Darkly Comical Quotes on the Family

The family is a court of justice which never shuts down for night or day. – Malcolm De Chazal

A married man with a family will do anything for money. – Charles De Talleyrand

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull

I grew up to have my father’s looks - my father’s speech patterns – my father’s posture – my father’s walk – my father’s opinions and my mother’s contempt for my father. – Jules Feiffer

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I’d put poison in your tea.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, Nancy, I’d drink it.

Darkly Comical Quotes

Clare Booth Luce 1903-1987

A remarkable person who found success as an editor, playwright, politician, journalist, and diplomat.

Quotes:

No good deed goes unpunished. - Clare Booth Luce

All autobiographies are alibi-ographies. - Clare Booth Luce

A man’s home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside, it is more often his nursery. - Clare Booth Luce

Darkly Comical Quotes

Oscar Wilde 10/16/1854 – 11/30/1900

Born Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde

Playwright, Novelist, Poet, Editor

Quotes:

Pessimist: one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. – Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

Missionaries, my dear! Don’t you realize that missionaries are the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals? Whenever they are on the brink of starvation, Heaven in its infinite mercy sends them a nice plump missionary. - Oscar Wilde

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. – Oscar Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman, who would tell one that, would tell one anything. – Oscar Wilde

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. – Oscar Wilde

The public has an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing. – Oscar Wilde

Life is never fair. And perhaps it is good for most of us that it is not. – Oscar Wilde

Delegation through the Lens of Dark Comedy

Do you own a business or does your business own you?

When we started our business we had two-thousand dollars from the sale of a Corvette and a three-month-old daughter (Our Erin who is now 31). We lived in our business and often didn’t leave it for forty-eight hours at a time.

We did everything.

After three months we decided that working all day six days a week, caring for our daughter 24/7 and cleaning the business was just too much.

So we hired a young couple, who had day jobs but needed extra money, to clean our business five days a week and we would continue to clean on Sundays to give them their weekends. We didn’t want them working so much they burned out. Funny how we didn’t see that we were the ones in danger of burning out.

We were hard working but we weren’t the brightest stars in the sky.

It didn’t take long for our new employees to approach us and let us know that mopping eight hundred square feet with a grocery-store mop just didn't cut it.

We bought a commercial mop from the janitorial supply twenty-five miles away($75). Ka-ching!

Then the bucket wasn’t big enough for the new mop ($80). Ka-ching!

Then the mop was too big to wring by hand. So, we got the matching commercial mop wringer ($120). Ka-ching!

And in the end of this process the mop was too big to clean the corners properly and so on weekends my wife and I spent extra time cleaning every corner. My wife and I weren’t even the brightest asteroids in a galaxy far, far away.

Why did we jump through these hoops?

We didn’t know what we didn’t know.

We didn’t know how to hire. We didn’t know how to set up a system. We didn’t know how to train a new employee. We didn’t know how to delegate. We didn’t know how to run the business even though we could do all the jobs within that business.

I hear business owners say all the time that they delegate. But when you deal with their business, or work within the business, there’s no consistency in the way their employees do things and absolutely no follow through.

You’ve got to have a system of delegation.

When I’m teaching this process in person I often get the small business owner to start with one simple job. A job I call the “water-cooler cleaning hat”.

Why the WCCH? Most small businesses have water coolers but it’s rare that they have someone delegated to clean and care for the water cooler. It’s rarer yet if they have a quality control system that insures the water cooler is cleaned.
This development of this one tiny system gives the business owner perspective. This opens the door to understanding that there are a whole series of tools you need to run a business.

If you can cut hair it doesn’t mean you can run a barbershop. If you can cook it does not mean you can run a restaurant. If you’re a veterinarian it does not mean you can manage a veterinary practice. This could go on all day but I think you’ve got the idea.

The Five Steps of Delegation

Step 1 - Write up exactly the result you want. Is there a statistic for this responsibility? Find it. Document it.

Can you inspect the results of this process to insure you’re getting what you expect?

There’s a purpose behind every responsibility in your business. What is the purpose of this particular hat?

Do you have a quality control system in your business that insures that what you think is happening is what’s actually happening when you’re out of town? In fact, when you get all these things done and your business runs like a tank the best way to check on it is to go on a well-deserved vacation.

Step 2 – Write up exactly what you do to get the result you want.

Who should do this? A person who’s doing this responsibility the way you want it done. So, it may have to be you.

Does it have to be you? No, but it’s always amazing when an employee you believe knows how to do a responsibility writes it up. You read it and get this awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. Their write up shows you how much they don’t know about doing this particular responsibility.

Imagine for a moment if you had five receptionists and they were all doing their jobs differently. Answering questions over the phone by giving out different answers. How would this look to your clients? How much confusion would this create?

Step 3 – Show the person who is to perform this responsibility how to do it.

People learn by doing.

Shadowing does not work.

Step 4 – Let them do it.

This is the hard part. You tend to look over people’s shoulders and let them know when they’ve done something poorly or incorrectly. Or you sit back and do nothing until the straw that broke the camels back lands on you. Then you line everyone up and shoot the whole lot. Or perhaps you go to another employee and complain to manipulate them into approaching the new guy with some suggestions.

Unless you’re dealing with nuclear warheads, mistakes are part of the process.

People learn from their mistakes. This takes time. It takes encouragement. It takes catching them doing something right.

Step 5 – If the person is not following a normal learning curve you now have a problem. And approaching problems is a topic for my next small business article.

Small Business as Dark Comedy

The first in a short series of small business development articles.

The Dark Comedy of Delegation - Part One

Small business owners are their own worst enemy.

It’s dark comedy to watch them struggle to get it all done unless it’s affecting you (the customer, the employee, the business owner or the business owner’s wife).

I recently was dealing with a business owner who owns a vacation rental website. He’s got a great concept for his business. But I question if he’s going to make it.

I phoned to make some improvements in our advert and he may as well have reached through the phone lines with a hank of his hair.

This poor man is so stressed it even shows up in the emails that land in my computer. He’s lost perspective. He no longer grasps that it’s his role to be the intermediary between the people who have rental houses and the general public who want to find their ideal vacation. He’s got to please both.

Like lots of business owners he’s having financial problems and it’s effecting every business decision he makes. He didn’t have to tell me about his money problems. He wants to stand on “policy” instead of understanding that his job is to build a business, a business that works, a business that has a life of its own, a business that’s not sucking his life 24 hours a day.

And how does he do that?

Once you learn to do it you discover that it’s simple, it’s just not easy.

It didn’t start out like this for our small business owner. He started out as a bright guy with an entrepreneurial spark that captured his imagination. He would create a small business that would, in time, become a big business.

I’m sure for a while he felt like he was running the business. For a while it was fun. For a while he remembered he had a life.

Not any more.

Now the business is running him. Or should I say the business is running over him.

A metaphor that helps people see their business more clearly is that a small business is a snowball at the bottom of a large snow-covered mountain. The slope is high but you’ve got the time and so you start rolling that baseball-sized snowball up the hill.

It’s almost pathetic at first and so you lavish lots of attention on your snowball. Before you know it that snowball is the size of a cantaloupe and you’re seeing a steady accretion of the pure-white cold stuff.

It’s encouraging. It’s fun. You can hardly wait to get out of bed in the morning to see your progress.

Every few days it snows and every day you’re getting your share. You begin to see that this small business could be the start of something big. You’re happy. Optimistic. It makes everything better in your life.
You protect your snowball from all comers and invest your savings to help it grow faster.

Now your snowball is the size of a politician’s head. You turn around and it’s the size of the pinata at Sly Stallone’s Christmas bash. And that’s big.

One day you begin to notice that you’re tired at the end of the day and your neck is aching, but it’s all worth it.

Now your precious snowball is the size of Oprah Winfrey in the before photographs.

It’s more difficult to maneuver but you have a lot of pride in your snowball and you’re strong. It’s worth it.

Then one day you turn around to look down at the ski lodge and you turn back and your snowball is the size of a house and it takes every bit of your strength and every second of your time to just hold it in place.

There is no way to roll it another foot and what’s worse, if you let go to catch your breath or have a moment for your family or yourself, that monster is going to roll you down the mountain at a million feet per second, and your precious snowball will be smashed to pieces on the rocks below.

Does this sound familiar? Feel familiar?

I hear it all the time from small business owners:

1. If I don’t do it myself it’s not going to get done right.

2. I’ve got employees but it’s like I work for them.

3. I’ve told my employees what to do. Their jobs are easy. Why don’t they just do their damn jobs?

Your own private Idaho has turned into a prison that takes all you can do to survive.

And this process is sneaky because it happens to you so slowly that you go from hardly feeling the strain, to feeling pain, to hardly feeling.

There are lots of business owners out there that don’t own a business, they own their own job. And most assuredly there’s no slavery like the slavery in which you forge every link of the chain.

How do you know you’re a slave to your business? Do the words, “It’s no use, I can’t do it,” sound familiar? Do you daydream about getting in your car and just driving away? Are you working long hours for ridiculous pay? When someone says, “Get a life,” do you take them seriously?

I’ve been there.

So what do you need to do?

It’s not one little thing. It’s a hundred little things that each, in and of themselves, are simple.

The problem is you’re already spinning more plates than you can handle. And then there’s the fact you’re an unconcious incompetent; you don’t know what you don’t know.

So the first step before change is awareness. Once you know something is wrong, your next step is to become a conscious incompetent; to learn what you need to know to get where you want to go.

This process is like discovering you want to go to a tiny little town you’ve never heard of somewhere in Utah and you don’t know that maps exist.

Once you see the map you’ve still got to go there but you at least know the Process.

If you were already dreaming of running away to that little town there are simple tools that can help you and your business.

So where do we start?

An agreement is in order. If you’re going to transform the business that’s eating you alive you need to recognize that:

When you hear something (or read something), you’ll soon forget it.

When you see something, you’ll remember it.

It’s only when you do something that you’ll understand it.

Part Two – Tomorrow – The art and science of delegation

Darkly Quotable - Groucho Marx

Darkly Quotable Grouch Marx

Groucho Marx – born Julius Henry Marx – 10/02/1890 – 8/19/1977

One of the few performers with the talent and longevity to star in Vaudeville, Broadway, Radio, the Movies and Television. Today Groucho stars posthumously on the Internet.

With only a grade-school education Groucho was a voracious reader and an author. One of my favorite Groucho quotes: I think TV is very educational. Everytime someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read. - Groucho Marx

In 1958 while on tour in Germany Groucho climbed on a pile of rubble that marked the site of Hitler’s bunker and performed a two-minute Charleston.

A guest on his You Bet Your Life television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. “I love my husband,” the woman explained sheepishly.
“I love my cigar too,” Groucho said, “but I take it out once in a while.” – Groucho Marx

A man is as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. - Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx

Darkly Comical Quotes

What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine? – Isak Dinesen

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
- G.K. Chesterton

I prefer the wickid rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.
– Alexander Dumas

No good deed goes unpunished.
– Clare Booth Luce

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

Darkly Quotable - W.C. Fields

“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.” W.C. Fields

W.C. Fields (January 29, 1880- December 25 1946)

In 1893 Fields worked at Fortescue’s Pier in Atlantic City. When business was slow one of his duties was to pretend to drown. His manager thought his fake rescue was good for business.

On the stage during his vaudeville days one of the biggest laughs W.C. Fields ever received was when his monologue was interrupted by a loud crash backstage. After the long noise subsided and the audience was silent, Fields gave a one-word comment in a stage whisper: "Mice!"

Late in his career Fields turned down the role of the Wizard in the Wizard of Oz.

“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.” W.C. Fields

This doesn’t sound like a Fields quote because W.C. Fields, like many comedians, had a stage persona that contrasted his life.

“I like children - fried.” W.C. Fields

He is remembered for hating children yet he admired children and had great affection for his daughter.

Fields was devastated when Christopher Quinn, son of Anthony Quinn and his wife (Katherine DeMille) drowned in a lily pond behind Field’s home.

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?” W.C. Fields

“I’ve been asked if I ever get the DT’s; I don’t know it’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DT’s begin.” W.C. Fields

“The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.” W.C. Fields

During his early career Fields was a juggler and could balance anything he could lift. He avoided drink as it affected his juggling. We associate him with heavy drinking but he was in his thirties before he started to drink.

Fields would unnerve a mother-in-law he didn’t like by balancing a smoking cigar, a lit candle in its holder, or a beer bottle on his head during meals never seeming to notice their presence.

“Women are like elephants to me – I like to look at ‘em but I wouldn’t want to own one.” W.C. Fields

Fields was married multiple times but in the end proved capable of enduring love. As Fields lay dying in a sanatorium bungalow in Pasadena his final love, Carlotta Monti, went outside and ran a hose on the roof to allow him to hear one last time his favorite sound – falling rain.

No Re-capitalization without Representation!

This financial crisis is like a barbaric massage with no happy ending.

If politicians were capable of putting aside special interests for one moment there is a blueprint out there to solve this banking crisis.

In 1992 it seems the Swedish had a little real-estate bubble of their own and they faced the crisis of an insolvent banking system. Short-sighted banking regulations and policies lead to rampant uncontrolled if not cancerous banking lending practices. This sound familiar?

The Swedish government didn’t rush to hand out vast quantities of cash under the table with nothing in writing and nada to show for it.

Imagine for a moment if I walked into my bank and told them I’d made some foolish investments and lost all my money. My bank would go through the motions of helping me and if I had enough assets they’d figure a way to bail me out while lining their own pockets. If I didn’t have the assets they’d foreclose my ass.

Mister Banker says, “Sure, Alan, you can stay in your house. We’ll make this all work out for you. It just so happens we have a special program for snooks, I mean clients, like you. We’ll just adjust your mortgage so that you’ll have to pay for a longer period of time and ultimately lots more of your hard-earned dollars. We can make you a slave to this bank; just sign your rights away on this dotted line. Here, accept this free ink pen.”
Notice the documentation.

Sweden determined that it was the banks that had the crisis. To prevent a total collapse the government announced it would protect all bank deposits and bank creditors of the nations 114 banks. This move bought them time.

Their next goal was to promptly wipe the slate clean.

The government forced the banks to write down all their losses before they came to the government for recapitalization.

In return for fresh money the government had the banks issues warrants. This forced the banks to be responsible for their losses. It gave the government ownership.

Our policy of reveal a little here, reveal a little there just doesn’t cut it because you wind up pouring good money after bad down rat hole after rat hole.

The Swedish government formed two new agencies. The first was to supervise the recapitalization of the banks; the second was to sell off the assets the banks held as collateral.

When the markets stabilized Sweden and its taxpayers then reaped the benefits by taking the banks public.

The result was it cost Swedish taxpayers less than 2% of GDP. We’ve already got 5% of GDP on the line.

Banks have the crisis.

If banks had gone to the government before they started this mass foreclosure mess I’d had more sympathy. If there had been no mass foreclosures we would not be in this pickle. You can’t foreclose on taxpayers and then have the government bail you out. Talk about a double screw job.

The taxpayers cry must be No Re-capitalization without Representation! Our cry must be No Re-capitalization without Representation!
No Re-capitalization without Representation!
No Re-capitalization without Representation!
No Re-capitalization without Representation!
No Re-capitalization without Representation!

And another thing - No Re-capitalization without Representation!

Finance and Politics and Banks - Oh my

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. – Robert Frost

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. – Ambrose Bierce

Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears. – Robert W. Sarnoff

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. – James Reston

I once said cynically of a politician, “He’ll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.” – Oscar Levant

Key Lime Pie Perfection

The perfect key lime pie is a study in flavor contrast. The completed pie takes the flavors and blends them into a lovely smooth texture; the color of an early morning before the sun breaks through the sky.

My preference is a homemade graham cracker crust. The sweetness plays well against the tartness of the pie. Fresh key limes are small, tart, and pale yellow with a hint of green. If they are unavailable, Nellie and Joe’s bottled key lime juice for pies is a good substitute. A Persian lime is never acceptable and green food coloring is just a sin, don’t even think about it.

For the crust:
1 ½ cups graham cracker crumbs (10 crackers)
¼ cup sugar
6 Tbsp. Unsalted melted butter
Combine these ingredients and press into a 9-inch pie plate. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes and then let it cool.

For the pie:
4 extra large egg yokes at room temperature
½ cup key lime juice
14 oz. can sweetened condensed milk

Beat the egg yolks until they are light in color then alternately add the key lime juice and sweetened condensed milk. When the mixture is pale yellow and creamy pour into the cooled graham cracker crust. The lime juice will cook the egg yolks and the pie will thicken. Some people prefer to put the pie in the oven at 325 for about 10 minutes. I do not. Chill the pie in the refrigerator for at least two hours before taking that first slice. Have a margarita while you wait and the two hours will pass quickly.

The perfect topping for your key lime pieSome people would say meringue made with those egg whites. I say make an omelet with them instead. I love the pure delicious topping of freshly whipped cream. The tartness of the pie and the delicate sweetness of whipped cream combined with the lovely texture of the graham cracker crust, now that is magic on a pie plate.

Whipping the Cream:
1/2 pint (1 cup) cold heavy cream
¼ tsp. Vanilla extract
¼ cup sugar
If you are in a tropical climate chill the mixing bowl before whipping the cream. Once soft peaks begin to form add the vanilla and sugar and beat until firm. Don’t go crazy, you want whipped cream not butter.

I prefer to slice the pie and add the whipped cream to each slice. You could garnish it with a little zest or a thin slice of key lime, but that is too Martha for me.

When I take my first fork full I want the pie chilled but never frozen, I want the whipped cream piled high and some of that graham cracker crust to balance out the flavors.

For me eating Key Lime Pie will always be like eating sunshine!

Dark Comedy Quotes on Advertising

It's Superbowl Sunday. I've selected some quotations to celebrate the occasion.

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. – Stephen Leacock

Advertising is legalized lying. – H.G. Wells

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. – George Orwell