Name the Hawks Contest

Recently I blogged about our neighbors the red shouldered hawks. They’re feeling better and we’ve spotted them gathering nest materials.

We took brownies over to be sociable and show what good neighbors we are but they turned up their beaks at carbs. They said they prefer squab.

Now we’re trying to come up with names.

We’d like to have large monetary prizes but being a cheap bastard I’m giving signed copies of my two dark-comedy mysteries titled

Woo Burgers in Paradise

Buskers on the Half Shell – Oscar’s Tale

Please send your entries to alanhbush@earthlink.net
Please use the subject line - Hawk Names

Erin's Kitten

Our daughter sent us this message as part of an email. I couldn’t resist slipping it into the blog. Please don’t tell her as she’d kill me in some darkly comical way if she knew I’d published it.

The kitten is adorable today (so what else is new). She has found a way to get up to our bed and she pounces me every morning as soon as Tom lets her in at 6 or so... I hide my hands and feet and love the feeling of the tiny warm kitten flinging herself at me on top of the duvet. Right now she is licking my plate, which contained a slice of pear tart. Should

be okay for her... but what she really wants is to get onto my keyboard! We go back o the vet tomorrow and I'm not worried because we can tell she's gained a lot of weight. This morning I was doing yoga in our room and she sat at the edge of the mat and just watched--didn't pounce me once. Then, during my final meditation (just a few minutes) I was sitting up with my eyes closed. When I opened them, she had come onto the mat and was sitting just opposite me, straight up and still as a statue, with her little eyes closed too! She is usually a perpetual motion machine in the morning so it was weird and great.

President Obama's Sinister Nature

What do the following people have in common?

Alexander the Great
Leonardo da Vinci
Michelangelo
Napoleon Bonaparte
Sir Issac Newton
Benjamin Franklin
President James Garfield
Winston Churchill
President Harry Truman
President Gerald Ford
Fidel Castro
H. Ross Perot
Paul McCartney
Robert de Niro
President George H.W. Bush
President Bill Clinton
Senator Al Gore
Senator John McCain
President Barack Obama

They are all left-handed.

When it comes to handedness the only species discovered that develop as righties or lefties are people of all races and chimpanzees.

Only about 10% of our population are lefties yet four of the last seven presidents were lefties (six of twelve since WWII). In 1992 all three presidential candidates (George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Ross Perot) batted lefty. In the field of presidential candidates in 2008 both Obama and McCain prefer their left hands.

Obama is perhaps the most left handed of all the presidents as he uses a distinctive curved hand writing style that allows lefties to almost write upside down and, for many of us lefties, read upside down.

It is even thought that Ronald Reagan started out predominantly left-handed and his natural tendency was changed by a series of strict schoolteachers.

So why at this point in our history are we seeing this predominance of left-handed presidents? Is this all just some evil conspiracy? Chance? Or is there some unequal advantage lefties have in running for the highest office in the land?

It may be in reaching high political office that one of the factors giving left-handers the edge is their ability to think outside the box. This ability has been measured on tests for counter-intuitive problem solving. And I certainly know from personal experience that to get the job done I’ll go around my elbow to tie my shoes. Impractical and ineffective but definitely way outside the box.

A second factor is that right-handers process language in the left side of their brains while 14% of lefties process language on both sides. This may account for Mark Twain and H.G. Wells writing ability and the outstanding speaking skills of Ronald Reagan and Barak Obama.

Other fields where left handers seem to have a natural edge are the related fields of mathematics and music.

So why is our new president sinister? The word sinister is derived from a word meaning left (sinisteris). In Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary the fourth definition used for “sinister” is “of or on the left side; left.” The third synonym listed is “unlucky.”

Only time will tell if Barack Obama is unlucky. In his first week in office it looks to me like he’s making lots of left moves and thinking outside the bun. Maybe that’s what it will take to bring the Democrats and Republicans together. Maybe we need a little sinister to solve some of the daunting problems facing our country as we start the Twenty-first century.

We’ve tried Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney and they certainly didn’t get the job done. Last seen Rumsfeld was managing a Sonic drive-in and Cheney was being hauled away in a wheeled cart.

So how is this dark comedy? Not all left handers are famous or think outside the box but two that come to mind that are more than a little sinister – Osama Bin Laden and Jack the Ripper (left-handedness based on crime scene investigations).

And Fidel Castro as a boy came to the United States to follow his passion – baseball. He wanted to be a left-handed pitcher and had a try out with of all teams – the old Washington Senators. How our world might be different if he’d brought the heat and thrown strikes that spring day so many years ago.

Dark Comedy Quotes

“There is no security on this earth; there is only opportunity.” General Douglas MacArthur

"It takes twenty years to make an overnight success.” - Eddie Cantor

Dark Comedy and the Rule of 72

You have a hypothetical balance of $8,000 on your credit card. I know. I know. There is nothing hypothetical about the balance on your credit card. And I wouldn’t blame you if you stopped reading after the first sentence.

But here’s the question: how long will it take that balance to double? How long will it take your balance to go to $16,000?

It’s not an easy question if you want an exact answer. But in the world of personal finance sometimes all you need is a down and dirty number to understand the problem you’re facing.

However there is an easy way to get an estimate. It’s called the Rule of 72.

Albert Einstein is credited with discovering the compound interest rule of 72. Referring to compound interest Albert Einstein said, “It is the greatest mathematical discovery of all time.” Who knew? Einstein was at least in the best position to judge mathematical discoveries.

If you look on your credit card statement and find the interest rate you’re being charged (if it’s more than 24% it is worse than dark comedy) and divide that number into 72. In this example 72 divided by 24 comes out a nice round three. So it takes roughly three years for your credit card balance to go from $8,000 to $16,000 and there’s nothing funny about that.

There is a more positive application. If you have $10,000 to invest and your friendly banker, who just happens to be the same person who got you into the credit card at 24%, says, “I will give you one and one-half percent interest per year if you give me your $10,000. Think twice. Bankers are not always generous.

This example sounds a lot like the Wimpy character from the Popeye cartoons who forever wants you to give him a hamburger.

So how long will it take your $10,000 to double at one and one-half percent interest? 72 divided by one and one-half comes out to a whopping 48! That’s right, it will take approximately 48 years to double $10,000 at one and one-half percent interest.

Now on the other hand someone else offers to give you 10% interest on your $10,000, and they are a lot more credible than Bernie Madoff, then in approximately seven years you will have $20,000. And that’s a lot better than owing $16,000.

Of course before I worry about the return on my money I worry about the return of my money. And if you’re watching the world around you that has become a serious question.

Dark Comedy Quotes

“My life is like one long obstacle course with me being the chief obstacle.” - Jack Paar

Albert Einstein was asked what he attributed the success of his marriage. Professor Einstein offered this profound response: “When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together it was decided I would make all the big decisions and my wife would make all the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success in our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision. Glenn VanEkeren

Fathers and Sons

My son Bryan wrote this about his son, Aden, for his kindergarten teacher.

Aden is 5; he was born on April 11th 2003. The happiest day of my life, but with all the crying I don't think he would have said the same. He is an only child, and an older brother. He is a very typical first born. He likes order and structure, even at five he loves to make our plan for the day. And that's fun for me too, if you ever get the chance let a five year old plan your day, it's always a good time. Even when he was very little he would line things up like toy cars, he would make a line 60 or longer all the way across the room. Some times the line were multiple with all the big cars in one, all the bright cars in another, like he had a little grid in his head.

He is an amazing athlete; he has a great arm. He hates pickles and mustard on his burger. He is not fond of trying new foods unless they are new junk foods. He has amazing tenacity; he can really stick with things. He is a master negotiator already.

Aden sometimes can really obsess about things and that can be great, like reading. He will read every thing he can that is on his side of the road on the way home. If he can’t read it he will tell me the letters and ask me what it says. Some times it's math and counting and he will give me large numbers and have me add them for him, then I will give him numbers and have him add them for me.

You can always tell if he is sick or not feeling well because that’s the only time he stops moving. Even as a baby he would not sit still for any length of time. I feel bad but it's kind of nice when he does get sick as that is the only time he will give a snuggle. Aden took a little longer then most to start walking because he had short tendons in his heels. He was such a fast crawler by the time he could walk that he could keep up with me walking at a normal pace. He used to walk on his tip toes a lot because of the tendons and some times will still do it out of habit. It ended up being fine because he got great calves because of it.

He does not like to sleep, he never has. It really seems like he just does not want to miss anything. He has to go to bed at 8:30 at the latest regardless of his contempt for normal sleeping habits.

Aden is very hairy! He has a fuzzy back, I know I should not be writing that. It's true, I think it's kind of cute we call him little man because of his long body hair, well, that, and the fact that he will tell me I'm wrong and he wants to be a grown up way too often.

He has a huge personality. He loves to be around lots of people and he tells me he wants everyone in our family to live with us. There is no happier time for him then when there are tons of people around. Aden tells me all the time he can’t wait for me to make him a brother or a sister and when asked how many he wants he comes up with huge numbers every time. I'm trying to convince him two or three is a great number when it comes to brothers and sisters.

Aden is the best Wii bowler I know; he scored 218! He loves to beat me at it. He gets a real kick out of being better at some things than his Dad.

Aden also loves pets, dogs and cats, whatever you’ve got. Unfortunately he is never scared of any dog, it does not matter how mean they look. He loves them and is just sure they love him too.

He is my favorite person in the world, he says I'm his too even though I have no problem being the bad guy when I need to (I'm a dad, it's part of the job). I hope we always have the kind of relationship we have now.
Thanks!

Regards,

Bryan

Presidents in Helicopter or Don't Eat the Peanut Butter

I’ve watched two presidents leave the White House via helicopter. Two presidents leave Washington with a sour taste. Two presidents fly off into exile.

The first was Richard Nixon after his resignation on August 8th 1974. And then on Tuesday I watched George Bush make that long walk to Marine One.

For eight years George did his best and worked toward goals that those around him told him were important and worthy. And then on his final day as president he got to see two million Americans scream for his replacement. Two million Americans wave goodbye. Sasha and Malia Obama were received with more good will than George Bush has seen in his final two years as president.

In time if the issues of economy, Iraq and terrorism come to resolution then George Bush, like Jimmy Carter, will have his record burnished, feel a sense of redemption, and fill his library with scholars. If any one of these issues linger or sour then he’ll be Hooverized into the bottom 10% of our presidents.

Is George’s punishment deserved? I hope not. For the sake of 250 million Americans I hope that George W. was right. I hope that George W. made decisions that we just didn’t have enough information to understand and that short-term history will smile on his presidency.

Seeing George W. and how he’s aged over the last eight years made me realize that I’m happy not to be in charge of absolutely everything.

It’s hard to find a dark-comedy twist but I heard through a confidential internet source that George W left a gift basket for the Obama’s filled with peanut butter cookies, peanut butter crackers, a giant commercial can of peanut butter paste and for good measure, a large box of peanut butter flavored dog snacks.

The Hawks Next Door

The last several years red shouldered hawks have been living and raising their young in an oak tree in our back yard. We’ve enjoyed their morning calls claiming their domain and watching their aerobatics as they maneuver a black snake through the sky. We’ve even been rooting for the hawks in their ongoing war with the local crow clan.

Yesterday we saw a behavior that I would like to honor. “Our” hawks sat in a tree as a squirrel drank from one of our birdbaths and then scampered across the weeds we call a yard.

They watched and I thought they would soon be making a nice squirrel stew for dinner. But they let him pass. Unmolested.

We saw this same behavior last winter. Last year we thought the hawks just might not be hungry. This year we’ve formulated a new theory.

Somehow the hawks know this squirrel will be raising a family in the spring and they will need the occasional squirrel for their larder when their young arrive. And so a winter squirrel left to breed and raise his family will provide for spring hawklets.

Dark Comedy Quote for Barack Obama

For the first time in my life I took the MLK holiday off and yesterday I watched the inauguration. It was the first time in a long time that the process was moving and important. Not because President Obama is an African-American but because our country needs him so much. If hope is a color then dark comedy is its opposite. Life can be about dark comedy as long as hope is there to balance the darkness that crowds out the light. If there is a piece of advice I could reach out to our new president it would be the following quote.

“I cannot give you a formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – which is: Try to please everybody.” - Herbert Bayard Swope

Improving Air Travel

Air Travel used to be something special. Then they added extra rows of seats and now it’s a cattle drive.

Soon airline employees will be carrying Tasers and prods in lieu of customer service.

My suggestion is that if a passenger is over six feet tall or over two-hundred pounds they should have a new option. Darting.

As the dartee enters the terminal facial recognition software detects them and directs one of the designated darters positioned high above, hidden in the lights, to dart them.

The jump (jumbo passenger) drops.

A baggage handler moves in and attaches the tracking collar/destinator locator and transport harness.

A line, a sturdy line, is dropped from above and our human package whisked up and away. Meanwhile our trusy red cap handles the less animate personal property.

This human baggage is then directed to an encapsulation facility where each person is packaged for shipment.

The extra cost of darting and packing will be more than offset when these Jumps (jumbo passengers) are slid into handy racks on the plane. Now the airlines can load their planes to the rafters. Why should the airline industry have to sacrifice any cubic aircraft feet?

When they arrive at their destination the Jumps are transported with their baggage directly to their hotel where they are placed on king-size beds to sleep it off. When they wake they’re refreshed and all tagged with a suitable advertising slogans (another new profit center for the airlines) and they can now successfully re-enter the general population.

This simple solution might eventually be expanded for all passengers as it would improve the quality of flying and increase the profitability of the airlines. This would also minimize the aggravation of customs and the possibility of airline terrorism. It would be difficult to take control of an airplane if you’re out cold stacked in the back like cordwood.

There is another added benefit – the airlines won’t need to hire employees who can deal with public relations or even remember how to smile.

My greatest fear with this system is that these jumbo passengers (Jumps) will wind up scattered to the winds as baggage tends to be.

As a Jump myself (6’4” and 220lbs.) I would suitably be the first to volunteer for the testing of this idea. I used to fly six times a month so I’m sure the frequent flyer would enjoy this system. Five year ago we flew to China and half way through the flight I was hoping someone on board had a gun and that they would use it on me.

I would even dare to suggest a line extension. Passengers could even sign up for medical procedures during their sedation. I know that’s how I want my next colonoscopy.

Accountants Take Control!

It’s finally happened, the bean counters among us now control every product and service.

Years ago accountants got into the airlines and they posed a simple question, “What would happen if we were to add additional rows of seats to airliners?” Airline management answered, “Every additional passenger we can wedge onto the airliner is almost pure profit.”

The result – travelling by the commercial airlines has become a cattle drive.

The original bean counters at Maxwell House coffee, of good-to-the-last-drop fame discovered that the consumer could not detect if they substituted 1% more coffee beans of lower quality each and every month. In time the quality of the coffee was eroded to the point there was a hole in the marketplace that was appropriately filled by Starbucks.

Now the bean counters have taken hold at a least three more companies: Kimberly Clark, Unilever and Bumble Bee Tuna.

We recently purchased each of these products and found them to have been transformed. And not in a good way.

The Bumble Bee solid white albacore tuna is still a high quality product but the cans have gone from six ounces to five ounces. It will not be long before the cost of the packaging is more than the cost of the product. I enjoy tuna but my sandwiches have been devalued.

I picked up a twelve pack of Scott paper towel rolls and it was so light I felt like the Incredible Hulk. When you buy bulk paper products the easiest way to test the quality is by comparing the weight of equal size containers. This is surprisingly easy to do.

Then when we opened a roll of Scott’s towels they are nothing like the towels they used to produce. They’re flimsy and tear awkwardly. They look like they’re made from recycled toilet paper.

It was so bad my wife phoned and complained to Kimberly Clark. Their representative was sharp and extremely responsive. They even sent us coupons. They handled it incredibly well but I’m not going to buy any more Scott paper towels. A poor product is a poor product.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? Apparently now it’s not what you would do for one but what’s been done to one. Remember when you’d bite into this creamy confection covered in a thick coating of delicious chocolate that was so thick it crunched with every bite. It was like having two desserts in one. Now it’s like the chocolate has been painted on with a sprayer and you need two of those lousy Scott paper towels to catch the splinters of thin chocolate coating.

Apparently the accountants felt in their tiny little analytic hearts that less is more.

Accountants are not samurai wielding Pilot Precise V-7 rolling ball ink pens as many of them seem to believe.

Some products have to be inviolate. Some CEO’s have to have the guts to hold the line. I’m not saying that the accountants should be fired, kicked in the testibles (as our grandson would say), or killed as my wife suggested. Accountants must not be allowed to roam the land decimating the quality of products at will; they must be controlled. Contained.

The dark-comedy lesson: Less is not more.

Feces Throwing Monkeys and You

"Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay

From Associated Press January 14, 2009 4:57 PM EST

CLEARWATER, Fla. - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater. The monkey is not considered dangerous."

***About the Crap-Throwing Primate

This article landed in my computer yesterday. And yes the article alone would be dark comedy. I have performed surgery on adult male Rhesus monkeys. Chances are if you leave him alone he’ll leave you alone. But if you came across this rowdy rascal realize he is incredibly strong, highly intelligent and has canine teeth that are about two and a half inches long. Unless he’s a specific pathogen free monkey from a laboratory he could be carrying an illness or two that would be serious at the very least.

Four Thing Not to do if you find yourself in proximity to a crap throwing monkey with two and one-half inch canines:

1. Do not surprise a monkey. I speak from experience.
2. Don't let a monkey get in your house as they are not good house guests.
3. Don't ever try to feed a male Rhesus monkey from between your teeth.
4. Don't even show a male Rhesus monkey a toothy grin.

If you encounter this monkey consider yourself lucky if you’re just pelted with crap. Don’t try to capture this monkey. Don’t run from him. Pelt him with crap as once you confront him there should be plenty in the back of your pants. Remember above all: Never, Never trust a monkey.

Paris Hilton and the Next American Revolution

I saw a darkly comical thing on our tube this weekend. Americans on television who were having weddings that exceeded $800,000 - $1,000,000. I thought if they’ve got that kind of ready cash then bully for them. It is after all still a free country.

During the portion of the show I did watch I didn’t think these folks got that much for their money.

I tore my eyes away from the spectacle when I realized that my crappy health insurance would not cover the amount they were spending on a one-day blow-out event. And that amount is to cover my health care for a lifetime at today’s prices.

Our society has got to be viewed as dark comedy or it’s just too painful. How long is it until Paris Hilton looks down upon the rest of us rag pickers and says, “Let them eat rice cakes.” It wouldn’t take much to induce me to drop a guillotine blade on that pretty little neck.

Health care for all!

Long Term Health Care

Last week my wife and I placed an ad for a young hit man in American Mercenary Magazine. Our plan is to pay two thousand a year into an IRA for this patient assassin. When we reach eighty years of age it’s his job to hunt us down and kill us with a high powered rifle from long distance. My wife is to be hit first, a head shot, and I guarantee I will open my chest, and put my arms out wide for my kill shot, as I wouldn’t want to live without Lynne.

We didn’t come to this decision lightly. We spent ten years caring for three elderly parents. Two of our parents had total dementia (one from many small strokes and one from normal-pressure hydrocephalus). I’m just not willing to put our children or some poor group of health care workers through it.

After these experiences my wife and I can see that long-term health care is not the answer for our generation. There are just too many of us and we’re just not entertaining enough. Also the last six months of our lives are the most expensive from a medical standpoint. Often hugely expensive for little or no positive return other than the assuagement of someone’s guilt.

Here’s an ad from the Ocala Star Banner:

Wanted: Angel of Death for regional hospital.
Non-paying position but your opportunity to help
Society is immense. The duties include visiting
assisted care facilities and hospitals to examine quality of life issues and medical records. If patients meet selected criteria then their families are to be introduced to our local Hospice.

In time I’m sure this will lead to the practice of “Jack-Kevorkian style” euthanasia (the true death).

I know this sounds radical but its time has come. It’s already happening in the countries of Northern Europe. Doctors in these countries, without the permission of family members, may elect to euthanize patients whose quality of life and cost of care have become prohibitive. How civilized.

Ten years ago I read an article about the long-term results of cardiac resuscitation. These patients tended to live less than six months, their quality of life was poor, and the average cost of their medical care between resuscitation and death exceeded $250,000.

I also propose that if a human physician is caught defrauding Medicare three times that they not only lose their license but they are euthanized for the common good.

It’s unfortunate that physicians and their minions cannot be totally trusted with these decisions. Multiple times when we took our aging parents to the emergency room we waited while their health insurance cards and Medicare benefits were triaged. Once it was found they were bottomless pits of health insurance cash they were rapidly served and the sky was the limit. Meanwhile I saw numbers of people with greater needs sit and wait. Some of them were still in the waiting room hours later waiting for attention while we were leaving.

I also had a conversation with a former client who sat on the boards of three hospitals in the Philadelphia area. She said that as long as a patient on life support had resources they were maintained (read this as warehoused) on life support. The day their resources were gone life support was turned off. She resigned to protest this waste of resources.

As a veterinarian who has performed hundreds of mercy killings and worked in an emergency room I volunteer today to put my name at the top of the hospice euthanasia list. Could anyone do more than that? Well, there is the hit man thing, but that’s even more radical.

If you agree and would like your name listed under mine, please send me an email and become a follower of this blog to receive future info. Please don’t volunteer your friends and neighbors no matter how worthy or worthless they appear. Ex-spouces will be considered if they are list worthy.

A Quote in Time

“Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do.” Wlliam James

Reverse Ageism

George Burns won his first Oscar at 80.

Golda Meir was 71 when she became prime minister of Israel

Michelaangelo was 71 when he painted the Sistine Chapel

Albert Schweitzer was still performing operations in his African hospital at 89.

Neither Henry Ford nor Abraham Lincoln realized any success until after they were 40 years old.

Democracy: The Painted Whore by Hal O'Boyle

“Terrorism by itself cannot destroy our freedom. Terrorism succeeds only if it terrorizes. It succeeds only with our help. We help by giving in to irrational fear and accepting the government’s absurd premise that our only hope for safety lies in submitting to total disarmament and constant surveillance.” Hal O’Boyle

If I were a history or social studies teacher looking for a source of topical information that relates to living in the twenty-first century America I would start with Democracy: The Painted Whore.

O’Boyle puts what’s happening today into perspective. Every day we’re confronted with a dizzying new political world that O’Boyle can see clearly through the focus of history. I don’t like the book’s title but applaud him and hope this is the first of many books he’ll write that stimulate U.S. citizens to think.

Our new grand kitten

Dark Comedy Quote

A negotiator likes to tell the story of a businessman who was fishing in a lake and caught a strange fish. The fish was a brilliant blue and glimmered in the sunlight as it thrashed about in the boat. Suddenly the fish spoke to the man.

“Please throw me back in the lake,” gagged the fish, “and I’ll grant you three wishes.”

The businessman considered the request and replied, “Make it five and we’ve got a deal.”

I can grant only three,” gasped the fish.

“Four and a half,” the man suggested.

“Three,” the fish replied faintly.

“Okay, we’ll compromise on four wishes,” the businessman conceded.

The fish did not reply. It lay dead on the bottom of the boat. – Glenn VanEkeren

New Balance 609 Sneakers

I’m the poster boy for the New Balance 609 sneaker.

I’m 6’4”, weigh 220 and I’ve got at least twenty-four pounds of muscle packed on my frame – maybe even 25 pounds. I love sports but I’m long torsoed and when it comes to basketball when I sky on a good day I’ve got almost a three-inch vertical.

I must be the middle of the New Balance target market because just about every male baby boomer I run into at the park, or Sam’s or Papa John’s is wearing my sneaker, in my color. There are finally so many of us wearing these things that I’ve stopped complaining that they’re wearing my shoes and I no longer ask them to go home and change their shoes. And in some sick, inadequate way now I know how Michael Jordan must feel.

I do know that male baby boomers are not copying me. But why do we all wear them? Perhaps the sneaker fairy came to all male baby boomers in their sleep and said, “New Balance 609’s are great sneakers that fit your smelly old feet and they wear like industrial strength titanium. I double-dog dare you to try to wear them out.” And the sneaker fairy has proven correct.

Of course maybe New Balance originally just handed out a bunch of really good coupons.

I suppose if I went to Texas I wouldn’t see New Balance sneakers I’d see cowboy boots emblazoned with a big blue N and B followed by some other number than 609. And I’ve noticed as NASA’s astronauts walk toward the space shuttle there is always the subtle flash of at least one pair of 609’s.

You just can’t wear these sneakers out. Every pair I’ve ever purchased gets stained and dirtied out long before they have the chance to wear out or fall apart. I wish my cars would wear so well.

A friend told me recently when he was in my garage that he knew I understood how to be poor and he said he could tell I had been poor at one time by checking out my sneakers. I asked if it was because they looked so bad and he said, No, it was because I had good sneakers that I saved for special occasions (anniversaries, weddings, and funerals), I had my day-to-day New Balance and I had a rotten old pair or two I kept for working in the yard. And here I thought poor Americans couldn’t afford sneakers; the truth is they can’t afford to throw any sneakers away.

I’ve gotten to the point that when I buy a pair I don’t even try them on or do the fancy shoe-store walk. My wife can even buy New Balance 609’s in my size for me but of course this means that in return she can pick up at least a half-dozen pairs of wear-once-a-month shoes for her closet. And she wonders why I tell her not to bother buying my 609’s?

Once I bought a pair and didn’t realize I’d left shoe paper in the toes as I wondered in my wanderings for days why they didn’t fit. I even complained to some of my buds, who wear my shoes, that for once New Balance had screwed up. It was my wife who finally discovered the wads of tissue paper jammed into the toes and I was appropriately chagrinned until I told her I didn’t think there was any reason to put shoe paper inside sneakers in the first place. It’s not like someone’s going to give them as a Christmas present. But that’s not a bad idea.

I don’t buy New Balance 609’s unless they’re on sale but if I spot a sale I may buy them early and often and stack the huge boxes in the back of my closet.

My wife says my shoes are so ugly I should just wear the boxes. But according to me when it comes to New Balance – ugly is beautiful.

Suicide Story

“Once in an unguarded moment in the editing room Hal Ashby, the director of Harold and Maude, related a story about how he attempted to commit suicide. He planned to swim out in the Pacific Ocean until he drowned, but first determined he should find the perfect bathing suit to do so. However, the search proved futile and Ashby couldn’t find trunks that he liked… so he scrapped the idea altogether.” – from Hal Ashby: The Perennal Misfit

Harold and Maude

“Go ahead and live. Otherwise you’ve got nothing to talk about in the locker room.” Maude

In 1971 Harold and Maude on its theatrical release flopped. It was a major disappointment and received horrible reviews.

We liked it the first fifteen times we saw it. Two weeks ago we saw it for the sixteenth time and we enjoyed it more than ever. It seems the more life experience we have the more we appreciate Hal Ashby and Harold and Maude.

Your family experience doesn’t have to be touched by suicide and death to appreciate the movie but it helps.

Harold and Maude is the finest dark comedy ever made by Hollywood.

Hal Ashby has been maligned and never received the credit of my other favorite director – Frank Kapra. Ashby’s films include Being There, The Last Detail, Shampoo, and his masterpiece – Harold and Maude. He also received an Oscar for his editing prowess for In The Heat of the Night.

I like to think he was years ahead of his time. And over time his movies will not only survive but become more appreciated.

I have read that Ashby had a unique start in Hollywood. In 1950 he walked into the California Board of Unemployment and asked for a job at a film studio. His first position – mimeographing scripts at Universal. Eventually he moved up to film editor and assistant director. His life sounds much like Chance the main character in Being There.

I’m not going to give away the plot of Harold and Maude. You need to see it - over and over.

Colin Higgins, the insightful author of Harold and Maude, was just a UCLA film student when he came up with the idea. He wrote other successful comedy scripts but unfortunately he died by the age of 47. And, no, he did not commit suicide.

It took the greatness of Ruth Gordon to bring a remarkable depth of feeling to the unlikely plot.

Bud Cort was the perfect young actor for the male protagonist and turned in a fine performance. I cannot imagine any other actor in the Harold role. I believe the reason he has not been utilized more by Hollywood is that for years it was hard to see a picture of him without thinking of the Harold character. Some sort karmic type casting.

Three exceptional supporting actors gave life to the plot and provided some of the most charming and comedic moments. Vivian Pickles, as Harold’s domineering mother, provides all the motivation Harold needs. The scene where she “helps” Harold fill in his dating service survey is one of the best in the movie.

Charles Tyner as Uncle Victor and Eric Christmas as the priest are wonderful and steal a number of scenes.

The sound track, by Cat Stevens (Yusuf), ties it all together. It’s hard to believe his sound track was never released.

Tom skerrit has a cameo as a motorcycle cop and makes one of the more outlandish series of scenes comic genius.

I’m hoping that Harold and Maude II will be made and if there’s any justice, Bud Cort will have a starring role.

In the next several weeks at our house we’re going to have a Hal Ashby movie marathon and if the day ever comes I’m feeling suicidal, I’m going to take the time to watch something life affirming. Harold and Maude would be my choice.

In Time for the Inauguration

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” Abraham Lincoln

A quote in Time

"The world is a comedy to those who think , a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole 1776

Shouldn't it be "those who feel?"

Quality versus Quantity

It’s resolution time again. It took less than twenty-four hours for me to hear a young father say that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to spend quality time with his kids.

I’ve made this mistake. Multiple times. More times than I care to feel guilty for.

Quality by its nature is distilled from quantity. The more time you spend with your children the more quality time you will have.

I can’t tell you what the ratio of quality time to total time spent. But I know that high quality time with my children came when least expected. It didn’t come on the beaches of Maui but my son Bryan learned to walk in the Honolulu airport while we waited for a delayed flight.

You just don’t know what’s going to turn into a quality experience that you will remember til the day you die.