What do a Mistress and Cancer Have in Common?

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The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. – Henry Lousis Mencken




When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. – Oscar Wilde



There is no fortress so strong that money cannot take it. – Cicero



No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he only had good intentions. He had money as well. – Margaret Thatcher



Money differs from an automobile, a mistress or cancer in being equally important to those who have it and those who don’t. – John Kenneth Galbraith



Life is short and so is money. – Bertolt Brecht

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The Evolution of Ethics

Image via WikipediaThe quality of moral behavior varies in inverse ratio to the number of human beings involved. – Aldous Leonard Huxley




Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde



Always do right. This will surprise some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain



The best way to keep your word is not to give it. – Napolean Bonaparte



Most people are good only so long as they believe others to be so. – Friedrich Hebbel



The first step in the evolution of ethics is a sense of solidarity with other human beings. – Albert Schweitzer



The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself. – Oscar Wilde

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Widespread Corporation Premature Ejaculation

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His quest for something new each month leads to widespread corporate premature ejaculation. – Robert Townsend




An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea. – Oscar Wilde



An idea which is six years ahead of its time is a bad idea. – George Lois



When I have an idea, I have no pencil. – anonymous



The cleverly expressed opposite of any generally accepted idea is worth a fortune to somebody. – F. Scott Fitzgerald



An idea is something that usually comes like a fireman – too late. – Jewish saying



I didn’t get my ideas from Mao, Lenin or Ho. I got my ideas from the Lone Ranger. – Jerry Rubin

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The Precise Psychological Moment to Say - Nothing

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Never say more than is necessary. – Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Silence is a friend who will never betray. – Confucius

He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood. – Freeman Teague, Jr.

What we see depends mainly on what we look for. – John Lubbock

Never ever ever go to see the boss about a problem without bringing along a proposed solution. Better yet, three solutions. – Walter Kiechel III

Aclaculia, n. The inability to work with numbers; a mental block against arithmetic. – Josefa Heifetz Bryne, Mrs. Byrne’s Dictionary

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You're Never too Bad to Win

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Living well is the best revenge. – George Herbert

The strictest justice is sometimes the greatest injustice. – Heauton Timorumenos

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. – Sophocles

Society often forgives the criminal, it never forgives the dreamer. – Oscar Wilde

Anybody who gets away with something will come back to get away with a little bit more. – Harold Schonberg

The public seldom forgives twice. – Johann Kaspar Lavater

You’re never too bad to win. – Tom McElligott

We're Drowning in Information and Starving for Knowledge

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It would be a great mistake to confine your imagination to the way things have always been done. In fact it would consign you to the mediocrity of the marketplace. – Harold Geneen

Big business is not dangerous because it is big, but because its bigness is an unwholesome inflation created by privileges and exemptions which it ought not to enjoy. – Woodrow Wilson

Inflation is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber and as deadly as a hit man. – Ronald Reagan

Intuition becomes increasing valuable in the new information society precisely because there is so much data. – John Naisbitt and Patricia Aburdene

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense. – Gertrude Stein

We’re drowning in information and starving for knowledge. -–Rutherford D. Rogers

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. – Oscar Wilde

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The First Duddy in Life

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In the multitude of counsellors there is safety. – Bible

A man that cannot sit still – and cannot say no – is not fit for businss. –Samuel Pepys

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. – A. H. Weiler

The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it. – Theodore Roosevelt

Pardon one offense, and you encourage the commission of many. – Publilius Syrus

It is much safer to be feared than to be loved, when you have to choose between the two. – Niccolo Machiavelli

The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has yet discovered. – Oscar Wilde

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Why do I Wake up Feeling Like Veal?

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My experience has been – that in the end, when you fight for a desperate cause and have good reasons to fight, you usually win. – Edward Teller

Beware the financial man who does not have confrontations; a good financial man can be expected to have at least one confrontation every day. – Henry O. Golightly

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep. – Woody Allen

Many men can bear adversity, but few contempt. – Thomas Fuller

“Queuemania” is an ailment that afflicts people with a compulsive urge to line up behind someone or something, even a lamppost. – Thomas P. Roman

Play the revolutionary and challenge the rules – especially the ones you use to govern your day-to-day activities. – Roger von Oech

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. – Oscar Wilde

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That is the Great Fallacy: the Wisdom of Old Men

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If you’ve never seen a real, fully developed look of disgust, just tell your son how you conducted yourself when you were a boy. – Frank McKinney

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything. – Oscar Wilde

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. – Rodney Dangerfield

Middle age: When you’re sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you. – Ogden Nash

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. – T.S. Eliot

Work is the basis of living. I’ll never retire. A man’ll rust out quicker than he’ll wear out. – Colonel Harland Sanders

That is the great fallacy; the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise, they grow careful. – Ernest Hemingway

Rarely, if ever, do they Forgive them

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If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things. – Norman Douglas

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father. – anonymous

When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin. – Lillian Carter

The first half of our live is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. – Clarence Darrow

Don’t take up a man’s time talking about the smartness of your children; he wants to talk to you about the smartness of his children. – Ed Howe

Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. – Oscar Wilde

When I grow up I want to be a little boy. – Joseph Heller

Saved by Criticism

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The best index to a persons’ character is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can’t fight back. – Abigail Van Buren

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. – Oscar Wilde

The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. – Norman Vincent Peale

Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything. – Mary Hemingway

Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got. – Janis Joplin

When you are right you cannot be too radical; when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

When people begin to ignore human dignity, it will not be long before they begin to ignore human rights. – G.K. Chesterton

Violence Punctuated by Committee Meetings

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A race track is a place where windows clean people. – Danny Thomas

The deer season just opened. A deer hunter in Ventura County brought in his first man yesterday. – Will Rogers

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck

Football features two of the worst parts of American life - violence punctuated by committee meetings. – George F. Will

(on fishing) - It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming. – John Steinbeck

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be. – Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Only the shallow know themselves. – Oscar Wilde

He who knows others is clever; he who knows himself is enlightened. – Lao-tzu

These then are my last words to you. Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. – William James

A Single Redeeming Vice

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The first TV babies are now writing with a TV mind that has no attention span at all. – Gore Vidal

It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. If such a board actually exists it operates precisely like the board of a corporation that is losing money. – H.L. Mencken

My only aversion to vice, is the price. – Victor Buono

He hasn’t a single redeeming vice. – Oscar Wilde

Woman’s virtue is man’s greatest invention. – George Bernard Shaw

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. – W.C. Fields

The music at a wedding procession always reminds me of the music of soldiers going into battle. – Heinrich Heine

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

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The Perfect Expression of Scorn

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Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right. – Woody Allen

Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him. – Oscar Wilde

Being in a ship is like being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. – Samuel Johnson

Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. – George Bernard Shaw

Sin is geographical. – Bertrand Russell

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. – George Bernard Shaw

I don’t think you want too much sincerity in society. It would be like an iron girder in a house of cards. – W. Somerset Maugham

Skepticism is the first step on the road to philosophy. - Denis Diderot

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Finding the Ridiculous in Everything

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Look for the ridiculous in everything and you find it. – Jules Renard

On screenwriters –
Schmucks with Underwoods. – Jack Warner

He who despises himself esteems himself as a self-despiser. – Nietzshe

There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel no one else has a right to blame us. – Oscar Wilde

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. I did so at the age of four and a half. Then if you’re not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company. – Robert Morley

In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to being in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one’s beloved. – Russel Baker

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. – H.L. Mencken

Self-sacrifice enable us to sacrifice other people without blushing. – George Bernard Shaw

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Sacrificed to Expediency

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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields

You can’t learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. – W. Somerset Maughm

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

I like persons better than principle and I like persons with no princibles better than anything at all. – Oscar Wilde.

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. – Samuel Butler

Progress celebrates Pyrrhic victories over nature and makes purses out of human skin. – Karl Kraus

The Refuge of Souls Ulcerated by Happiness

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Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married. – George Bernard Shaw

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike. – Oscar Wilde

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists – that is why they invented hell. – Bertrand Russell

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. – H.G. Wells

If you must choose between living with your mother-in-law and blowing out your brains, don’t hesitate – blow out hers. – Victorien Sardou

The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums. -–Peter De Vries

Music is the refuge of souls ulcerated by happiness. – E.M. Cioran

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable. – Samuel Johnson

Assassins! – Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra

She was Good at Playing Abstract Confusion

Marilyn Monroe via last.fm

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Georges Clemenceau

Missionaries, my dear! Don’t you realize that missionaries are the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals? Whenever they are on the brink of starvation, Heaven in its infinite mercy sends them a nice plump missionary. – Oscar Wilde

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. – H.L. Mencken

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. – Gerald Brenan

People will swim through sh—if you put a few bob in it. – Peter Sellers

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. – G.K. Chesterton

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond studded wheelchair. – Dorothy Parker

About Marilyn Monroe – “She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.” – Clive James

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Where Neon Goes to Die; Masturbation Too!

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Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. – George Bernard Shaw

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. – Mark Twain

Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love. – Woody Allen

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress up for it. – Truman Capote

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. – Margaret Mead

A memorandum is written not to infrom the reader but to protect the writer. – Dean Acheson

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals. – Oscar Wilde

Miami is where neon goes to die. – Lenny Bruce

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The Immaculate Conception was Spontaneous Combustion

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The idealist walks on his toes, the materialist walks on his talons. – Malcolm De Chazal

I went to the convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion. – Dorothy Parker

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. – Susan Ertz

It is better to have a permanent income than be fascinating. – Oscar Wilde

Inflation is one form of taxation that can be imposed with legislation. – Milton Friedman

Insanity: a perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. – R.D. Laing

An interview is an intimate conversation between journalist and politician wherein the journalist seeks to take advantage of the garrulity of the politician and the politician of the credulity of the journalist. – Emery Kelen

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence --- on pain of execution. – George Bernard Shaw

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